Voices are a Downer

I am still trying to get over

My cold

But it is bothering my nose

My face hurts

I tried to do some home repairs

But ended up getting the wrong part

Now I have to go back to Home Depot

It’s so huge

It’s not one of my favorite stores

I was in and out of there

But I came home and was lectured

By the voices

For a while now

My depression has been worse

Than my schizophrenia

But today I was told

That I wouldn’t find anybody

I just can’t take it when I’m told

I’ll be single for the rest of my life

I pray so much

For God to send me the right man

I don’t like being single

And having them remind me

It makes me feel even worse

I wanted to cry

It’s a really sensitive subject for me

I’ve never felt so strongly about anything

I just wish I knew

What the future held for me

To be reassured

That everything is going to be alright

Would be nice

Patrika Williamson



Made it out today

And enjoyed getting fresh air

Also practiced guitar yesterday

Sounding better everyday

Tweaked the song I wrote

Using a capo

And looking forward to

Recording myself playing again

It still sounds funny when I sing though

I just can’t hit the right notes

I still think learning to play

An instrument is a cool hobby to have

And when you suffer from mental illness

They are a great distraction

Whether it be

Depression or anxiety or schizophrenia

I suffer from all three

So it’s good to keep myself busy

Other stuff like just cleaning up

And doing things that require thinking

Are a good way to escape

It’s a trick to keep your mind

Off of the pain

But whatever I do

It’s better than just sitting around

And worrying about life

Patrika Williamson


I had so many more dreams

Of being teased in school

What is wrong with me

I even was in detention

Was introduced to new voices

Well yesterday

And they all expressed hatred for me

That’s like the in thing for them

It’s hard when you’re fragile like me

I didn’t grow up with a lot of encouragement

So I’m used to feeling like the oddball

I just kept to myself

And didn’t really talk alot

And I was the mysterious one

No one knew a lot about me

Only that I was quiet

And not very friendly

To this day I’m still that way

But since I don’t have a job

And not in school at the moment

I just take up solace in my room

But it isn’t a big deal

It has a comfortable feel

Patrika Williamson

That Negative Voice

I feel good after going to church

Church was empowering

The pastor had a panel of women speak

And the guest speaker

Mentioned that we have a negative voice

That tells us bad things

And makes us feel like we’re no good

Man for me it’s like so many

But they were referring to the devil

Who puts lies in our head

And makes us sin

Plus so many other things

I remember thinking

Man I have to battle so much negativity

And the voices I hear don’t sound like the devil

Or some little voice that I can barely hear

These are loud and clear

And they sound like regular people

The sound like people you know

Maybe your mother or a friend

And every day I hear them

The only thing I can do is fight back

And say what you say isn’t true

You can’t beat me down

Or make me agree with you

So it’s a struggle

Day to day

Hearing them

And trying not to scream

To make them go away

I have to be my own cheer team

Patrika Williamson

Am I Too Hard On Myself?

I was feeling a bit weird

About how I talk to the voices

And wrote in my journal about it

Then I wondered how God felt about it

I had an interesting dream

I was blessed with an abundance

I think they were little fish

But I didn’t know what to do with them

So I fed them to animals

If this was a special answer to my question

Than I am not looking at the big picture

I am blessed

Even if I hear voices

I feared that I was being too harsh

To these people who claim

They will never leave me

And I was worried

That God would be mad at me

For not treating them with the utmost respect

But as I wrote in my journal last night

I thought of all the times

I feared for my life

I thought everyone on earth

Hated me

I couldn’t even eat or drink

I just totally shut down

Because these same people

Who kept feeding me lies

I almost died

And was in the hospital

For a while

It’s not something

You’d wish on anybody

So maybe I shouldn’t be too harsh

As I didn’t bring that on myself

And today they said I deserved to be

Under hell

How can one individual

Be made out to be so horrible

I tend to be harsh on myself

While they wait in line

To make me feel even worse

It’s so easy for me to confuse myself

God loves me no matter what

And for some reason

I’m still hung up about them

There isn’t a pill I can take for this

Patrika Williamson


Practiced guitar

Did laundry

And even talked to my brother

I can’t say this day was a waste

But I don’t know why I talk more

To the voices than I do

To my family

I spend most of my time

In my room

And it’s not good for me

It’s not as if I do their bidding

Or something

It’s more casual

I somehow have become more comfortable

Speaking with them

I don’t get nervous or scared

They talk like regular people

It’s not a constant argument

Or conflict

I know this isn’t good but I don’t

Have friends

Just my relatives

I’ve never felt comfortable talking

To other people

And then they came along

And I thought they were

Well I don’t know how to

Explain it

But looking at it from

A point of a person who

Has friends and a life

It probably sounds

Like I’m out of my mind

But I’m not

I have normal problems

Like everyone else

And still can function

And take care of myself

Suffering from this

The hardest part is not

Being able to feel calm or sit

But with meds I can

And with meds I’m not depressed either

It’s just a matter of keeping myself busy

And not feeling down about things

When you struggle

With hearing voices

All you can do is learn to manage

Patrika Williamson

Starting Over

I plan on going to prayer tomorrow

And still pondering whether

I should go to school for a semester

Or two

It might be what I need

Since there was a program I was eyeing

But I don’t know if I’m ready

To make a commitment again

I can get sensitive

When working around others

What’s So Funny

I was gone all day

But finally made it home

And fed my little kitties

I hate being away from them too long

I laughed so hard today

Since I got cable

I’m now addicted to TV

I watch my set shows in the evening

And just crack jokes

In front of the voices

I know that

I’m not supposed to talk to them

But since I can’t find a drug

That will make them go away

I just don’t take things too seriously

I play with them

And instead of getting angry or depressed

I make myself laugh

It’s the only way I can escape

The fact that I hear them everyday

If I focus on the fact

That I can’t get rid of them

Then it’ll drive me crazy

No matter what I do

They don’t go away

So I just make

The most of my day

Patrika Williamson

Coping with Comedy

I love to make jokes


I mostly share them with the voices

I know that I shouldn’t spend my time

Talking to them but it’s an outlet

I just love to laugh

And don’t always feel comfortable doing it

Around my family

They can be funny

But unfortunately

I tend to isolate myself

Since I’m usually in my room

When I’m at home

I get out of being a clown

Or at least watching a comedy


It’s very therapeutic to me

But I don’t always isolate myself

I only do it when I feel uncomfortable

Living with my family is sometimes hard for me

We don’t always get along

And rather than trying

I tend to just remove myself

Because I know I’m not very social

I tend to make things worse

And get really emotional as well

But I’m thankful that I still have my Mother

In my life

Patrika Williamson

Dreaming of the End

I had a very moving dream

Last night I dreamed that

I was with my Mom

We were sitting outside at night

A man came up to me who knew me

And asked me to come with him

I said no and kept resisting

He pulled me so hard and practically

Pulled of my shirt

But out of no where I stared at the sky

And I saw a shooting star go by

And then I saw an explosion of lights

And colors

And it was so mesmerizing

That I couldn’t look away

The sky was lit up

Even more than fireworks

It was like the stars were changing colors

And then a light came

And I saw a large image on the screen

It was a reporter standing next to a man

And she was announcing it was the second coming

I felt funny since I knew it was the end

And I had never got to do all I wanted on Earth

I looked at my Mom

And felt really scared

Like I wouldn’t get to go to heaven

But I felt hands hoisting me up

And I was overcome with joy

I yelled “God, I love you”

And looked around to see if my Mom

Was coming up with me

But before I could I woke up

It made me realize how much I love God

The oddest thing happened once I was awake

The voices told me that it was them

Who gave me that dream

They were the ones that hoisted me up

They tried to ruin a good thing

I didn’t let it get to me though

I just kept thinking about when the time comes

I’ll be going to the best place

Patrika Williamson