Holding me Back

Didn’t go out today

Missed church

But I’m finally getting over my cold

My depression symptoms

Have really been bothering me

I wish I could do more

But I’ve been having dreams

About things I wish I could do

It’s really spilling over

I feel like I’m holding myself back

I wish I could do much more

Like live the life I have

But I feel my depression

Is stopping me

I’ve had it bad like this in the past

But usually the anti-depressants help

I don’t know now

Sometimes what I take

Just stops working

And I can’t do anything

Like now

It’s very crippling

I don’t know what will

Bring me out

Patrika Williamson


Chugging Theraflu

Still sick

Went out though

But splurged

At the grocery store

I guess I was hungry

But since it was

A discount grocery store

I didn’t spend much

This is gonna be a long weekend

My niece is off on Monday

I got some generic Theraflu

Since I like the lemony taste

I prefer it over the cough syrup

I’ve been taking

It’s better than tea

And tastes better

I was never a big fan of

Hot drinks like coffee and tea

Since I always burn my mouth

But I used to chug down Theraflu

Because I like lemons

And it’s easier to take than

Syrup or big pills

Well hopefully when I wake up

I’ll feel a whole lot better

Patrika Williamson

Depression Still

I noticed that

My depression has come back

I wake up with a slight headache

Every morning now

And still haven’t left the house

I just don’t know if I’m wearing

My mask too tight or what

I thought I was fine

But I need to get out of the house

And haven’t left the house

In a few days

I need to for church on Sunday

So hopefully by then

I will be feeling better

I fell asleep without my mask

Last night

And woke up in the middle of the night

Then put it on

I guess that’s why I couldn’t

Get out of bed today

I can’t believe

I reverted back so quickly

I hope that doesn’t happen again

But the depression is real

It still hasn’t gone away

Despite the mask

And a change in meds

Patrika Williamson

Working Out

Didn’t leave the house today

Trying to keep a routine

Of guitar practice

I didn’t feel too depressed

But starting new meds tomorrow

I will finally get off of what

Gave me so many side effects

I hope what I will be taking now

Won’t affect me too much

I want to go back to the gym

And try to get healthy

If I go back with my Mom

Maybe I can start going

A few times a week

I found out that I can stay on

The elliptical for an hour

And it burns way more calories

Than walking on the treadmill

But for some reason my feet

Kind of fall asleep

If I’m on it that long

So I usually would do thirty minutes

A good workout did make me feel good

I just hope I can see some results

Patrika Williamson





Left the house today

I feel a bit better

It’s amazing

I’m down to just 4 pills a day

I still haven’t had a breakdown

Aside from my depression

I thought it would be much worse

Running out of meds I mean

I finally get to go to the doctor tomorrow

Well if I’m lucky enough to get called in

They go by need

And not first come first served

Like most walk-in clinics are

I hope they can see me

So I can get something that will

Take away my appetite

My weight is slowly climbing

Hopefully my new doctor will be good

I don’t know where else I can go

Well the hospital

But I dread that

I’m always scared when I’m there

So many patients

And you have no idea

Why they’re there

But as long as I have my CPAP

I’ll be OK

Patrika Williamson

A High and a Low

I made it back to church today

There was a standup comic

Who was the guest speaker today

I love standup

I felt good finally making it back

I thought about my meds again

Maybe I don’t need to take so many things

I don’t feel any withdrawal

From what I have already ran out of

I have so many complaints about my psychiatrist

Normally when you need a refill

You call the pharmacy

But the doctor’s office doesn’t have a working fax

So I have to call them

And they call the pharmacy when they

Get around to it

Since they don’t usually give refills

And whenever I go in it takes an hour or two

To be seen

It’s always a room full of people waiting

For an office that only has one doctor

He must triple book

Finding a doctor is hard

I have to call around to offices

And they usually aren’t taking new patients

Why are psychiatrist so in demand

I have so many gripes about my doctor

I’m gonna to try again on Tuesday

To see if there is anyone else I can go to

I really need a good one

Patrika Williamson



I can’t get out of this

Drought I’m in

And I even missed

My last doctor’s appointment

Another few weeks of this

Not wanting to do anything

Not even eat

Or get out of bed

And do my errands

Is challenging

I just can’t get motivated

And I missed church again

This Sunday

I managed to get out last week

So I guess that’s a good thing

But since it’s so hot

It’s not an easy thing

My fan can only keep it so cool

And I can only do so much in my room

I just don’t want to do anything

Not even watch TV

It’s not the end of the world

But with my experience

Medication can really affect

Your personality

And I don’t want to end up in a hospital

Over this

Patrika Williamson

Up But Not Ready

It has to be my meds

I can’t otherwise explain why

I can’t get out of bed

I just lack the motivation

And even though I don’t

Have trouble sleeping

I get up but don’t want to

Get out

I just try then

Roll over

I can’t start my day

It takes a lot of motivation

To get up and start the day

No matter how early I take my

Nighttime dose

It doesn’t matter

I can’t get up in the morning

Just wake up

But not want to open my eyes

Did these meds make me more depressed

Or just groggy

I don’t feel extra sleepy

I don’t even sleep extra time

Just toss and turn all the while

I have to get to the bottom of this

At my next visit

Maybe it’s my prescriptions

Patrika Williamson

Daily Life

Still staying in my room

Now I don’t want to get up

I just feel so detached

I don’t know why I can’t get up

Even after waking up early enough

I know that things have to get done

But I seem to just want to lie down

Maybe it’s what my new doctor

Prescribed me

I just feel like there’s no motivation

To get up every day

And I’m stuck in my room

Trying to feel cool

I need to get out tomorrow

To go to church

My kittens don’t mind

They just spend their time


They seem to do it better than me

I know life isn’t about getting rest

It’s about living

But I don’t even want to eat

Sometimes I wonder if I should

Check into a hosptial

But they don’t let you rest

You always have to get out of bed

And do some activities

I never got how they let some

Of the patients stay in bed the whole time

But for me I felt like I was being punished

When they caught me trying to sleep

I still remember my doctor

Threatening me with ECT

I guess a hospital isn’t the best place for me

But I can’t stay at home all day

I have things I have to do

Patrika Williamson

My Highlights

I waited for hours

At the doctor today

I was reminded of how

I hate to go

Since my doctor is so busy

And is always running late

All this for a five minute visit

But I wish I could find a new one

It’s just very difficult

They either don’t take my insurance

Or their not accepting new patients


I wish I could go where I wanted

It’s across town


All of this because I have to be on meds

I can’t function without them

I spent about like three hours there

But when I came home

My kittens missed me

They even waited for me to take a bath

And Venus got so cozy with me

I was shocked

She never cuddles with me

I couldn’t believe it

I rarely ever see her during the day

It was truly the highlight of mine

Patrika Williamson