Holding me Back

Didn’t go out today

Missed church

But I’m finally getting over my cold

My depression symptoms

Have really been bothering me

I wish I could do more

But I’ve been having dreams

About things I wish I could do

It’s really spilling over

I feel like I’m holding myself back

I wish I could do much more

Like live the life I have

But I feel my depression

Is stopping me

I’ve had it bad like this in the past

But usually the anti-depressants help

I don’t know now

Sometimes what I take

Just stops working

And I can’t do anything

Like now

It’s very crippling

I don’t know what will

Bring me out

Patrika Williamson


Voices are a Downer

I am still trying to get over

My cold

But it is bothering my nose

My face hurts

I tried to do some home repairs

But ended up getting the wrong part

Now I have to go back to Home Depot

It’s so huge

It’s not one of my favorite stores

I was in and out of there

But I came home and was lectured

By the voices

For a while now

My depression has been worse

Than my schizophrenia

But today I was told

That I wouldn’t find anybody

I just can’t take it when I’m told

I’ll be single for the rest of my life

I pray so much

For God to send me the right man

I don’t like being single

And having them remind me

It makes me feel even worse

I wanted to cry

It’s a really sensitive subject for me

I’ve never felt so strongly about anything

I just wish I knew

What the future held for me

To be reassured

That everything is going to be alright

Would be nice

Patrika Williamson

Sick Day

I still have this cold

And I keep sneezing

It’s annoying

I no longer can smell anything

And have a headache again

A weird thing that happens

When I get sick is

After it’s over

I lose my voice for a few weeks

And there’s nothing I can do about it

I just strain to talk

All from a little cold

It may happen again

I remember it happening

Just a few months ago

And not going away for a while

I don’t look forward to it

Happening again

I went out to get something to eat earlier

To take my mind off

My Mom bought me a card

And a gift

It was nice that she got me something

I bought dinner for everyone

I just wish we had cake

I had a sundae

It was the highlight of my day

Patrika Williamson


I can’t believe how long I felt down

I was chronically affected

By depression

It was worse than my schizophrenia

And schizophrenia has dominated my life

For the last ten years

It’s one thing to have to hear negative comments

But to be void of energy and life

Can stop you from doing basic things

I just couldn’t get out of bed or leave the house

I couldn’t do anything

And now it feels like

I never was ill

I can’t believe the difference

I took a break from posting

Just to get better

Not knowing why I felt so bad

I thought I needed more meds

Or something

But it was my breathing

A health problem caused by being overweight

I do want to slim down this year though

And avoid getting diabetes

Or any other serious health problems

For the doctors to have caught my sleep apnea

I am truly greatful

Patrika Williamson

Making It

I’m so tired these days

I don’t know why

Man if it’s not something

It’s another

Coping these days is becoming

More and more challenging

I’m trying to hang in there but

Mental illness is no joke

I can say I am a survivor

I’ve gone through this before

And somehow made it out alive

I guess I have a strong will

I never gave up when it got difficult

I just hung in there

And eventually I was alright

I was able to live my life

And now it’s happening again

But I’m not at the point where

I want it all to end

Life isn’t always easy

I will make it

I know I can

I just have to remember how strong I am

Patrika Williamson

Up But Not Ready

It has to be my meds

I can’t otherwise explain why

I can’t get out of bed

I just lack the motivation

And even though I don’t

Have trouble sleeping

I get up but don’t want to

Get out

I just try then

Roll over

I can’t start my day

It takes a lot of motivation

To get up and start the day

No matter how early I take my

Nighttime dose

It doesn’t matter

I can’t get up in the morning

Just wake up

But not want to open my eyes

Did these meds make me more depressed

Or just groggy

I don’t feel extra sleepy

I don’t even sleep extra time

Just toss and turn all the while

I have to get to the bottom of this

At my next visit

Maybe it’s my prescriptions

Patrika Williamson

An Obsession

Obsessions form easily

In my head

I’ll focus on something

And can’t think

Of anything else

And it’s hard to

Calm myself down

I’ll dream of it at night

Write about it

In my journal

And never make

The situation better

I don’t know if it’s part of my illness

But just about anything

Can have me worried

And unable to do anything else

I focus on being lonely

Or feeling powerless

Not being able to change a thing

And going over it

Again and again

Nothing else will stop me

From zoning out

And practically meditating

On the same thing for hours

There are even times

When the voices think it’s too much

I have to find a way to

Calm myself down

Or else I’ll end up

Making myself miserable

Until I just fall apart

There’s no stopping

My fixations and fascinations

With the same things

Which I can’t change

It’s just so irritating

Patrika Williamson

New Blog Entry and Video

I have been trying out my new YouTube vlog. It has been going OK. I don’t really know what to discuss but I was inspired by a dream to start vlogging. At the moment I have no idea what to shoot but trying to come up with different topics. It is a departure from my original format of poetry. But I also struggle with coming up with new material each day. I will continue to post on both Word Press and YouTube as much as I can. And have not forgotten about my readers. I look forward to all comments and suggestions on what I should post. It is a joy to be able to entertain as well as inform others about schizophrenia as well as my unique experience with this illness. Please keep checking back often as I try to post daily. And thank you for viewing. Comments are greatly appreciated.

Overcoming Slowly

It’s amazing that these days I don’t always let my anxiety

Get the best of me

I used to have trouble being around people

And feared that someone would judge me

I used to be scared when people looked at me

But now I don’t pay attention to them

I used to have trouble talking on the phone

But now I answer the phone normal

I used to shake all over when people talked to me

Now I stand still easily

I used to be afraid when people read what I wrote

But now I like having an audience to laugh at my jokes

I used to have my head down when I walked

And now I can walk forward and not care who looks

I used to be scared when people called my name

But I’m not being put on the spot like at school which was to blame

I used to get scared anywhere I had to interact with strangers

Now I don’t pay much attention

My new thing is getting rid of my psychosis

But saying shut up doesn’t cut it

Maybe I can one day feel free

Of not just anxiety

But schizophrenia as well

And won’t have to deal with the negative feedback I get

Patrika Williamson