Going up then Down

The difference between

Being healthy and depressed

With life you wanna live

Depression means

No motivation to live life

I wanna sleep more

I don’t wanna eat

Just no interest in anything

I wish my meds would work

But I’ve been in this place before

When I was waiting for my CPAP machine

I felt great after I started using it

But now I feel I’ve gone downhill

I didn’t make it to church today

I have to push myself tomorrow

It’s just about pushing myself

So I can get out and do things

That are important

I have to push through life

And try to keep up

It’s a struggle

Patrika Williamson


My Mother’s Pain

I went out today

But didn’t get around to practicing

I did a little shopping

And then came home

But I haven’t been able to

Visit the gym yet

My Mother has been

Having pains lately

She has chronic pain

And it was caused by

A car accident years ago

It’s gotten worse over

The years and been in different places

She gets a lot of migraines too

I couldn’t imagine

Living with chronic pain

It is crippling to my Mother

She has tried numerous things

Over the years

Including pain medication

But never surgery

She has been having

A lot of knee pain lately

I always pray for her pains

To go away

I just wish she could be healed

Patrika Williamson


Depression Free

I felt great today

I actually got out of bed and went to church

For morning prayer

What an accomplishment

I don’t know how I did it

I’m running out of meds

And should be going through withdrawal

It’s weird how my depression just disappeared

Maybe one day I can go back to the gym

Or at least clean my room

I didn’t take one nap

I guess I needed to give my CPAP machine

Time to work

I still want to play guitar more often though

I didn’t practice today

But I’m planning to go to church tomorrow too

And not sleep in like usual

My dream of relief from depression

Finally came true

If I could just get a new psychiatrist

The one I have now

Makes me take 12 pills a day

Some with side-effects

Which I totally hate

I’d love to at least get off the meds that

Make me gain weight

Last time that happened I lost 25 pounds

I’m really trying now

I eat tuna on a bed of lettuce for dinner

With some crackers

I really cut it down

From having takeout

I wasn’t leaving the house

So that kind of stopped it though

I encourage those battling depression

And obesity to get tested for sleep apnea

It makes you feel so drained and lifeless

At least that’s what it did to me

But once I got diagnosed

I found that my other mental problems

Weren’t causing this

Now I know

Patrika Williamson



Making It

I’m so tired these days

I don’t know why

Man if it’s not something

It’s another

Coping these days is becoming

More and more challenging

I’m trying to hang in there but

Mental illness is no joke

I can say I am a survivor

I’ve gone through this before

And somehow made it out alive

I guess I have a strong will

I never gave up when it got difficult

I just hung in there

And eventually I was alright

I was able to live my life

And now it’s happening again

But I’m not at the point where

I want it all to end

Life isn’t always easy

I will make it

I know I can

I just have to remember how strong I am

Patrika Williamson

Weight Loss

I want to lose weight

After seeing the doctor today

And being reminded of my size

The doctor recommended

I lose some weight

I’d love to

But it’s not the easiest thing

My meds have something to do with it

Man if only there were no side-effects

I want to eat so much

But I went to the grocery store today

And got only healthy foods

But I need to add physical activities as well

I usually don’t make resolutions

But I might as well join in and make losing weight mine

For 2018

If only I could keep it up

Then I could be small again

Like I was before I got seriously ill

Patrika Williamson


Missing Dad

I can’t be anybody else but me

I was thinking about my dad just now

Wondering why he stopped talking to me

Years ago by some chance encounter

I was able to be reunited with him

After not having him in my life

For most of my childhood

We talked on the phone daily

And I got to meet him as an adult

But only once

After that I don’t know what happened to him

Did I scare him away

Was there something I had not said

Like please stay in my life

Though I could not truly say

That I loved him

Since he is like a stranger to me

I still wanted something

To have him walk me down the aisle

Or to give me advice

I don’t know

Whatever people do with their fathers

I can’t now

He stopped talking to me

Just like when he left my Mother

I couldn’t say stay

And when he never saw me again

I wondered why

Did I do something

Or was he ashamed

Did he think he couldn’t be a dad

A man who would stay

I’m so close to my Mother

I could never imagine not having her

She is the only one I can turn to

I’m just left blaming myself

Like I said something wrong

During one of our many conversations

I wonder how he could ever say

He loved me

If he couldn’t stay in my life

It’s not my fault

He’s a grown man

And has made plenty of bad choices

But maybe I shouldn’t say that

He is still my dad

And the only one I’ll ever have

Patrika Williamon

That Negative Voice

I feel good after going to church

Church was empowering

The pastor had a panel of women speak

And the guest speaker

Mentioned that we have a negative voice

That tells us bad things

And makes us feel like we’re no good

Man for me it’s like so many

But they were referring to the devil

Who puts lies in our head

And makes us sin

Plus so many other things

I remember thinking

Man I have to battle so much negativity

And the voices I hear don’t sound like the devil

Or some little voice that I can barely hear

These are loud and clear

And they sound like regular people

The sound like people you know

Maybe your mother or a friend

And every day I hear them

The only thing I can do is fight back

And say what you say isn’t true

You can’t beat me down

Or make me agree with you

So it’s a struggle

Day to day

Hearing them

And trying not to scream

To make them go away

I have to be my own cheer team

Patrika Williamson

Feeling Better

Went to Saturday morning prayer

I think it helped

The voices and I are back coexisting

I guess

It was pretty tense for a bit

Not knowing if they wanted

To retaliate

And not being OK with it

When they were angry in the past

They managed to stress me out

So bad

That I ended up in the hospital

Fearing for my life

There’s just something

So dangerous about schizophrenia

That can drive a person crazy

It is very hard to explain

And trying to describe what

Had me convinced

That no where was safe

Is even more complicated

I guess if you could imagine

The things that scare you the most

Or being haunted by ghosts

Is just a small glimpse

Of what I went through

It bothers me just talking about it

There are things that even meds can’t cure

But it took years for me to be stronger

And realize that they can only do so much

Plus it was up to me to shut them down

Since they were in my head

And only creeping me out

I just learned to stand up to them

And face my fears

Patrika Williamson




Stressful Voices

Another stressful day

They voices were at odds with me

They kept saying

How much they hated me

We went back and forth for a while

And I just wanted to be left alone

But unfortunately

That wasn’t going to happen

With so many of them wanting

To talk to me and tell me

How they felt about me

I just wanted to scream

And that didn’t bother them a bit

I couldn’t get out of it this time

No joke came to mind

Not any bit of my quick wit

Was able to get me out of this

I just laid in my bed almost all day

Wanting to sleep the day away

I couldn’t think of one thing

That would save me

It wasn’t until I broke away by

Getting dressed and leaving the house

And finally at the end of the day

They said truce

I haven’t gone back to talking to them since

But then again hopefully

They are satisfied with it

But me keeping my distance

And trying to avoid talking to them

For the time being is all I can do

It probably won’t last

But hopefully I can get a good nights sleep

Without having another disagreement

Patrika Williamson


A Stressful Day

I got stressed today

Managing myself

Is like hell sometimes

And trying not to let the voices

Have their way

I don’t want them to drive me insane

But they have a thing

Where they lecture me

And they don’t quit until

They make me feel drained

I hate to have to listen to them

But they will talk and talk

It gets me so worked up

That I can’t do anything

But hurl insults

To get them to leave me alone

Just trying to manage them even with meds

Sometimes seems impossible

And there’s no way to escape

I have to find something

That will tear me away

But when it’s quiet they

Like to talk to me and make me upset

It’s one of the parts of my illness

That I’ve never been able to avoid

As uncomplicated as my life appears

Just trying to escape

Hearing people everyday is

Never an easy thing

And I wish one day

They would all just go away

Patrika Williamson