Socializing

Woke up with such a bad headache

It took a while

But I was finally OK

Finally tried Grub Hub

They didn’t take too long

And even got a coupon

For President’s day

I don’t know

When I’ll do it again

It gets expensive

I talked to my cousin

For a while

It’s been so long

Since I heard from her

We talked about everything

It was nice

We go through the same things

And she is the only person

I can relate to sometimes

But there were times

When we didn’t relate at all

But her call

Was out of the blue

I just hope she doesn’t think

I’m trying to avoid her

I don’t call her

When I know I should

I don’t really talk to anybody

I just keep to myself

It’s not good

Since I feel  lonely all the time

But I’m not a social person

Patrika Williamson

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Being Social

I got a new dress

For next week

I talked to my cousin yesterday

And she canceled

So I have to go by myself

I’ll be wearing a black dress

I hope I look nice

I’m no gonna worry too much about it

But I’m hoping I will at least make a new friend

I’ve never gone to an event downtown

So hopefully I’ll meet someone cool

And my age too

I’m not super nervous

I just cross my fingers

I’ll make at least one match

After having an extra ticket

The company didn’t allow refunds

But they did say I could use it

For another event so

If things don’t work out

I can go again

But I trust God

To find me the right man

I know I shouldn’t go out

Seeking anyone

Since I will only let myself down

But I’m curious to see what comes of

A speed dating event

And if I can have fun going out

Something that I rarely ever do

It’s not like I’m partying

Or going out drinking

Just talking to people

And maybe making a connection

It’s easier for me to speak to people one on one

Since when I’m in crowded places

I don’t have the courage to spark up conversation

With people I may come across

So this is the perfect setting

I’ve always been like this

And never knew why

Patrika Williamson

 

By Myself

After starting my new classes today

I felt that same feeling I used to get

Where I want to be alone

And not want to make friends

I always seem to find the empty seat

That’s not next to anybody

I don’t really talk during class just listen

But I’m going to make a goal

That in my guitar class

Next week I’m going to sit next to somebody

Who can play

That way if I get stuck I can ask them for help

Or at least speak up

And meet someone new

I’m no music expert

But I observed others picking up

On the lesson easily

While I struggled a bit

At one point it made me wish I was

At home practicing by myself

Not worried about how I sound

Since no one else was around

But at least I know how to strum

But this may sound dumb

Even strumming for the first time can be hard

And I have no rhythm

But the instructor said we need to practice

Everyday outside of class

Since we only meet on Mondays

Plus we need to learn a song for Open House

Which is new for them since it’s adult school

And not a class for kids

But being around so many other students

Didn’t make me comfortable

I’m allergic to people

And tend to feel uncomfortable

When people look at me

Or it could just be

A feeling I get like their eyes are on me

Well it’s not gonna make me quit

Next time I’m planning to sit

In a different spot

Patrika Williamson

Having Friends

I felt good today

I talked to someone new

Who was going through

Some things that were difficult

I felt like maybe God was telling me

That I should be a friend

Being social isn’t easy for me

And I tried my best to communicate

It was nice getting to talk to someone

That was young like me

Since I don’t get the chance

To be around others

I tend to go out

Do what I need to do and come home

And even when I’m at church I don’t

Interact with other believers as I should

I stay quiet and never talk unless I need to

I know this isn’t the best way to make friends

And it only happens when someone else approaches me

Even my therapist said I need to talk more

And I guess be more social around strangers

It’s pretty challenging

To talk to people I never met before

But it can be nice when you find someone

Who shares interests and you feel comfortable around

Friends are nice even when you’re shy

As long as they understand that you tend to be quiet

I’ve been missing this for years

And it’s nice to have someone to talk to

Patrika Williamson

 

Contradictions

I stay up so late at night

I’m not sure what’s right

I’m not a morning person

And feel better when there’s no sun

But I’m sleepy during the day

I guess you could say

I’m full of energy at night

I like when everyone’s sleeping and out of sight

It’s when I do most of my writing

And late night TV watching

But I still use a night light

Yes I’m still afraid of the darkness of night

And hate having to turn off the TV

To eventually fall asleep

By morning I have to peel myself out of bed

I can’t seem to even raise my head

And mornings are very sluggish for me

I guess I’m like a vampire would be

And sometimes take all day to get ready

To go outside when I have to run errands

Or make doctor’s appointments

Since I have to go so often

I’m not a big fan of going to the doctor

But since I’m ill I can’t go without being monitored

I can’t manage my illnesses on my own

It’s take this take that

After I’ve sat in the waiting room

Filled with lots of people who make me feel uncomfortable

Since I have anxiety when I am around others

One person in a closed room is fine

But I often times

Get fidgety and ansy

That I have to take my mind off of what I see

A room full of strangers that I don’t want to look at or talk to me

I’ve been this way ever since I was a child

With all of my other issues I have trouble dealing with all the while

It’s difficult for a person like me to be normal

In just about any setting that involves people

So much so that lacking a social life conflicts

With wanting to be hitched

Having friends and let alone kids

Which I do wish for some day

I don’t see a way around my illness

That would allow me to be comfortable

And ready willing and able

To be calm and normal

When it comes to being around people

Patrika Williamson

 

 

 

A Little Too Quiet

I don’t always know if I’m making sense

I tend to mumble alot

And people don’t always understand me

I guess maybe because I’m scared

And it’s really hard for a person like me

To work up the courage to speak

As speaking comes easy to most

It took my whole life to be able

To sound normal

I didn’t talk much as a kid

And felt scared to speak up

Now pretending is nothing much

Of course the feeling is still there

That I’ll open my mouth and say the wrong thing

Or maybe make a fool of myself

Break down and cry or something else

The fear to me is real

I guess my anxiety

Sometimes gets the best of me

It still comes out when I say things sometimes

And I sound afraid at the wrong time

Or nervous and shaky

Unable to make me

An easy going person

Or someone who has no trouble talking to another person

I don’t know where it comes from

But I think it goes beyond shyness

It’s not just having trouble with making friends

I can’t even talk to my Mother about some things

For fear of how she will react to me

I am somewhat comfortable with her

But any other person in my life is like a stranger

That goes for my brother and extended family too

I always had trouble standing up to him too

But being able to be comfortable is just another part

The worst thing to me is finding a cure for my heart

I truly don’t want to always be this way

As I sometimes find myself in a lonely place

I don’t choose to be single

But I’ve been this way like usual

Since I was little

I hope someone will over look this and still feel comfortable

It’s not impossible

And I’m hoping God agrees

To be generous to me

Patrika Williamson

Anti-Sociable

I make an effort to be alone

I don’t know if that’s part of my illness or what but

Ever since I was little

I shy away from people

I don’t say hi

When people pass by

Or spark up conversations

With random strangers

When you see a person like me

You probably think I’m mean

Or maybe grumpy

It’s not like I hate anybody

It’s just hard for a person like me to open my mouth

To say much of anything

And people sometimes ask me why I’m so quiet

I never know what to say

So I lie and say I’m shy

It’s something others would say

In order to speak up for me

Of course it’s not necessarily true

Since I tend to do

This even with people I know

I can even be quiet around my family

They’ve known me since birth

Yet I don’t always act friendly

Not the kind of company you’d want from me

If I duck and dodge people

I’m not always alone

But if I have a choice I am

And I bask in the silence

Not having to speak is easy for me

And something that I’ve noticed isn’t always normal

I could go for days without speaking

And not feel lonely

But then there’s the people in my head

They’re now the ones who keep me company

If it weren’t for them and the world around me

I’d be wouldn’t speak

But that’s just me

Patrika Williamson

Prompt: Wannabe

There are so many things that make me a wannabe

I doubt I have time to name them all

No matter how quirky

Here I go with this odd list

I’m a wannabe star

But have to hid my face

Since I feel funny when people look at me

I wannabe rich

But tend to spend too much to save

I wannabe someone who’s just too funny

But only whisper funny things to myself

So my jokes mostly go unheard

I’m wannabe a chatterbox

But my mouth tends to dissagree

I wannabe  Mrs Right

But I’m scared the Mr. isn’t in sight

As much as I kid

I know that I can still dream big

And even though I sound negative

The positivety is still within me

It doesn’t stop

Although these may be longshots

I still have hope that my future

Will be filled with triumphs

And successes

Patrika Williamson

Silence Again

I love when it’s quiet

I guess it feeds my silence

I don’t know why I’m such a quiet person

Not speaking enough is certain

From a closed lip person like me

I’m the only one enjoying

The fact that only the sound of me

Typing and my fan running

Since it got hot like summer

All over again

Even though fall weather is coming

And I will have to start bundling up

But again I love it when the sounds of the TV

Or my niece playing and shouting

Because she is full of energy

Or even the sounds outside

Of cars driving by

But then again at night

When it’s so late and most are at home tucked in tight

And it’s way past midnight

I sometimes wake up for a second

And again greeted by the silence

Until the morning when

The TVs are on again

And everyone is up since it’s morning

Enjoying breakfast and getting ready

For me I can’t wait until

It gets late again

And I feel comforted by the silence

Patrika Williamson

The Perfect Pill

When I first started taking meds

To treat my illnesses

I thought pills could only do so much

They can’t change your life

Or make it more livable

All it is is a bunch of chemicals

Not a way out

Or a solution to your troubles

If I could make

The perfect drug to take

It would send away the voice

And make my head clear

So that all I could hear

Was just myself

And take away all the hurts

That gnaw at me daily

It would bring on a happy

Feeling everyday

And not seem like an artificial escape

I would no longer worry

That my future might be bleak and empty

Or feel uncomfortably

Too close and try to back away

I would speak freely

And never get scared

Be the life of the party

And make people laugh and be more entertaining

At this point I am the opposite of those things

And without that miracle pill

I’m just another odd ball

Who clings to my differences

And eccentricness

Patrika Williamson