Voices are a Downer

I am still trying to get over

My cold

But it is bothering my nose

My face hurts

I tried to do some home repairs

But ended up getting the wrong part

Now I have to go back to Home Depot

It’s so huge

It’s not one of my favorite stores

I was in and out of there

But I came home and was lectured

By the voices

For a while now

My depression has been worse

Than my schizophrenia

But today I was told

That I wouldn’t find anybody

I just can’t take it when I’m told

I’ll be single for the rest of my life

I pray so much

For God to send me the right man

I don’t like being single

And having them remind me

It makes me feel even worse

I wanted to cry

It’s a really sensitive subject for me

I’ve never felt so strongly about anything

I just wish I knew

What the future held for me

To be reassured

That everything is going to be alright

Would be nice

Patrika Williamson



I can’t believe how long I felt down

I was chronically affected

By depression

It was worse than my schizophrenia

And schizophrenia has dominated my life

For the last ten years

It’s one thing to have to hear negative comments

But to be void of energy and life

Can stop you from doing basic things

I just couldn’t get out of bed or leave the house

I couldn’t do anything

And now it feels like

I never was ill

I can’t believe the difference

I took a break from posting

Just to get better

Not knowing why I felt so bad

I thought I needed more meds

Or something

But it was my breathing

A health problem caused by being overweight

I do want to slim down this year though

And avoid getting diabetes

Or any other serious health problems

For the doctors to have caught my sleep apnea

I am truly greatful

Patrika Williamson

Up But Not Ready

It has to be my meds

I can’t otherwise explain why

I can’t get out of bed

I just lack the motivation

And even though I don’t

Have trouble sleeping

I get up but don’t want to

Get out

I just try then

Roll over

I can’t start my day

It takes a lot of motivation

To get up and start the day

No matter how early I take my

Nighttime dose

It doesn’t matter

I can’t get up in the morning

Just wake up

But not want to open my eyes

Did these meds make me more depressed

Or just groggy

I don’t feel extra sleepy

I don’t even sleep extra time

Just toss and turn all the while

I have to get to the bottom of this

At my next visit

Maybe it’s my prescriptions

Patrika Williamson

Daily Life

Still staying in my room

Now I don’t want to get up

I just feel so detached

I don’t know why I can’t get up

Even after waking up early enough

I know that things have to get done

But I seem to just want to lie down

Maybe it’s what my new doctor

Prescribed me

I just feel like there’s no motivation

To get up every day

And I’m stuck in my room

Trying to feel cool

I need to get out tomorrow

To go to church

My kittens don’t mind

They just spend their time


They seem to do it better than me

I know life isn’t about getting rest

It’s about living

But I don’t even want to eat

Sometimes I wonder if I should

Check into a hosptial

But they don’t let you rest

You always have to get out of bed

And do some activities

I never got how they let some

Of the patients stay in bed the whole time

But for me I felt like I was being punished

When they caught me trying to sleep

I still remember my doctor

Threatening me with ECT

I guess a hospital isn’t the best place for me

But I can’t stay at home all day

I have things I have to do

Patrika Williamson


Made it out today

And enjoyed getting fresh air

Also practiced guitar yesterday

Sounding better everyday

Tweaked the song I wrote

Using a capo

And looking forward to

Recording myself playing again

It still sounds funny when I sing though

I just can’t hit the right notes

I still think learning to play

An instrument is a cool hobby to have

And when you suffer from mental illness

They are a great distraction

Whether it be

Depression or anxiety or schizophrenia

I suffer from all three

So it’s good to keep myself busy

Other stuff like just cleaning up

And doing things that require thinking

Are a good way to escape

It’s a trick to keep your mind

Off of the pain

But whatever I do

It’s better than just sitting around

And worrying about life

Patrika Williamson


I had so many more dreams

Of being teased in school

What is wrong with me

I even was in detention

Was introduced to new voices

Well yesterday

And they all expressed hatred for me

That’s like the in thing for them

It’s hard when you’re fragile like me

I didn’t grow up with a lot of encouragement

So I’m used to feeling like the oddball

I just kept to myself

And didn’t really talk alot

And I was the mysterious one

No one knew a lot about me

Only that I was quiet

And not very friendly

To this day I’m still that way

But since I don’t have a job

And not in school at the moment

I just take up solace in my room

But it isn’t a big deal

It has a comfortable feel

Patrika Williamson

My Sanctuary

My appetite is totally gone

I forgot what that was like

I took two bites of dinner

And couldn’t continue

These new meds have really

Decreased my appetite

I was so stressed today

But I was able to de-stress

By going in my room

And watching a bit of TV

I forgot about everything

Wow my room really settles me

Even if it is totally messy

I did successfully clean out

My closet

Or at least many of the clothes

I no longer wear or can’t fit

And now I need to finish

By clearing the floor

If I could just buckle down

Like I did with my closet

I would be able to have a room

I could be happy to stay in

Patrika Williamson



Dieting isn’t as easy as I thought

Just like the many other times

I ended up cheating

But I can’t be too harsh

The diet food I bought

Didn’t taste too good

The smoothies tasted like medicine

And the soups made me sick

I only eat the protein bars now

And try to have a small meal

But I tend to eat less than I should

And I still haven’t gone back to the gym

The good thing is

I don’t have the huge appetite that I did

But I have yet to start my gym routine

Like in the past

If I could just incorporate that into my day

It would make a big difference

And it wouldn’t be as bad if I cheated

Because I could burn it off

And get toned in the process

I don’t know why I can’t get up

In the morning anymore

I did it for school

And if I go back to work

I’ll have to wake up for that

I just need a kick in the right direction

Patrika Williamson

Working and Symptoms

Cleaning up my room

Is harder than I thought

I started yesterday

And still working at it today

But I’ve made room in my closet

And when I’m done

I’ll clean my floor

Which I want to be able to see again

And just seeing something

That I did myself

And finished completely

Is a reward in itself

I also would like to

See about finding a nice

Job I can do at home

My cousin gave me some ideas

But sifting through the scams

And the real deal listings

Can take time

But when it comes to finding a job

That doesn’t ask for

Your life history

And is steady

Seems challenging

I was never the type of person

To easily find a job

I’m not sure what I want to do yet

But hopefully I can stick with it

I need something to keep me busy

I know a job isn’t just to keep busy

But I haven’t been able to keep one

Long enough to be independent

And since I’ve become ill

It seems out of reach

So I need to make sure it’s something

That I can still do

Even with my symptoms

Patrika Williamson

That Negative Voice

I feel good after going to church

Church was empowering

The pastor had a panel of women speak

And the guest speaker

Mentioned that we have a negative voice

That tells us bad things

And makes us feel like we’re no good

Man for me it’s like so many

But they were referring to the devil

Who puts lies in our head

And makes us sin

Plus so many other things

I remember thinking

Man I have to battle so much negativity

And the voices I hear don’t sound like the devil

Or some little voice that I can barely hear

These are loud and clear

And they sound like regular people

The sound like people you know

Maybe your mother or a friend

And every day I hear them

The only thing I can do is fight back

And say what you say isn’t true

You can’t beat me down

Or make me agree with you

So it’s a struggle

Day to day

Hearing them

And trying not to scream

To make them go away

I have to be my own cheer team

Patrika Williamson