Holding me Back

Didn’t go out today

Missed church

But I’m finally getting over my cold

My depression symptoms

Have really been bothering me

I wish I could do more

But I’ve been having dreams

About things I wish I could do

It’s really spilling over

I feel like I’m holding myself back

I wish I could do much more

Like live the life I have

But I feel my depression

Is stopping me

I’ve had it bad like this in the past

But usually the anti-depressants help

I don’t know now

Sometimes what I take

Just stops working

And I can’t do anything

Like now

It’s very crippling

I don’t know what will

Bring me out

Patrika Williamson


A Single Valentine

I watched my niece again

After I picked her up from school

I’ve had a cold for the past few days

I just don’t know how I got it

I don’t go out much

Went to the grocery store

It was so busy

Like it was Christmas Eve

I guess people will be

Throwing parties tomorrow

They had so many flowers out

I never thought Valentine’s Day

Was such a big day

But I’ve been seeing people

Set up at every corner with

Gift baskets

It reminds me of how alone I am

It’s not very fun

It’s not that I don’t like Valentine’s Day

But when you are single

You have no one to celebrate it with

I just wish I did for once

It sure would be nice

Patrika Williamson

Checking out Fiverr

Trying a new approach

To getting the most

Out of looking for jobs

And other things

I heard of Fiverr

A while back and used it

For some different things

It’s cool since you can ask

For just about anything

I haven’t sold any services

On there but it seems like a nice platform

You can go through the listings

And find a service like

Creating a logo

Or writing a novel

And people will offer their services

Starting at five bucks

But if you can’t find what you want

You can also get a quote

By setting your own deal up

I got an app builder membership once

But now looking for help finding a job

And you can get a refund if you’re not happy

It’s a cool site

Check it out

Patrika Williamson


Last night I dreamed of waiting

I wanted to get a chemical peel

But the wait was so long

I wanted to do it so bad

Because I had a coupon

And every time I talked to them

They said they couldn’t take me in

I wondered why they couldn’t just

Schedule appointments

Instead of turning away customers

I finally talked to someone

And she got me in by telling

The person in charge

That I was bitten by a rat

I was happy that I was finally being seen

In life I am waiting for

My prayers to be answered

It seems like it’s taking forever sometimes

And I feel like I keep getting turned away

Instead of it being set up like an appointment

As we are so accustomed to

We have to wait on God’s schedule

I have been told this many times before

If we don’t then we seek other ways

To get help

Or try to do things on our own

When I have taken matters into my own hands

In the past it’s ended up in disaster

I know I must wait

If I want the best results

Patrika Williamson

Getting Older

I remember a song by America

It refers to lonely people

It just came to my mind at the moment

I tend to write alot about being lonely

And how it affects me

Each day I hope I will meet the man of my dreams

As my faith decreases

I wonder what will happen to me

I get older and heavier

But luckily I don’t age

I have a few grey hairs

Growing out of my head

It’s just weird

I never pictured myself

Being this old and never ever

Being in love

Not even one boyfriend

Sure I’ve dated

But the guys never really

Seemed to like me

So what does happen

To lonely people like me

There has to be like so many

I go to church

I pray

I wonder what God has in store for me

I read one day that some people chose to stay single

But I never did

And I never would willingly

I can’t say I have any experiences

That would make me shy away

From settling down

And I look at my brother

With all of the his issues

And he’s managed to always have a girlfriend

And was even married briefly

But me the quiet one

Has never had experience with

Any of those things

I know I should not be jealous

Or envious

But it makes me wonder

What have I done

So wrong that has brought me

To this stage in my life

Am I not friendly enough

Or not cool enough


I don’t know

I just wonder if I’ll just get old

And never know

Patrika Williamson

Family Life

It’s already hot and miserable

And summer hasn’t even started yet

I wish I could get out more

But I don’t have any plans

For the summer

I just bake in my room

Since we have no AC

And my fan blows hot air

When it gets really warm

I just wish I could cool off somewhere

But my older niece is back

And she lives in the living room

So it’s back to her never leaving the house

And always being irritable

I don’t know how this could be a permanent thing

She still isn’t in school

I know it’s summer but

To have kids in the house all day

With nothing to do can be stressful too

She hasn’t broken anything yet

But I don’t think my Mom can help her

My niece’s mother just dumped her off

On our doorstep the other day

And she said she couldn’t come back

How can anyone do that to their own child

We were just getting her back to normal

And now she has to adjust again

Patrika Williamson




Children and Medication

I didn’t make it to church today

But did see my niece and nephew

Today was my nephew’s birthday

He hugged me after we gave him his gifts

It was really nice to see them again

I don’t get to visit them so

These times are rare

But being with my younger niece can be challenging

My Mom wants to put her on meds

She has learned from other parents

That they have been medicating their children

She’s only five though

She has a friend though who was medicated

And it really helped her

Because she was becoming very aggressive

I know there’s a debate about medicating kids

But what else do you do

When kids get out of control

My Mother doesn’t believe in spanking

And taking away privileges doesn’t work

She just yells and throws things

And her older sister who’s twelve is much worse

There are times when even punishment doesn’t work

But their father

My younger brother

Had to have meds

He was emotionally disturbed

They aren’t however

But when they sometimes mimic his behavior

It makes you want to have something

To help them mind

I’m not against it

But I don’t know what it’s like

I didn’t start taking anything myself

Until I was an adult

But I wished that I had been put on something

As a child for my depression and anxiety

Maybe I would have been a different person entirely

Patrika Williamson


Made it out today

And enjoyed getting fresh air

Also practiced guitar yesterday

Sounding better everyday

Tweaked the song I wrote

Using a capo

And looking forward to

Recording myself playing again

It still sounds funny when I sing though

I just can’t hit the right notes

I still think learning to play

An instrument is a cool hobby to have

And when you suffer from mental illness

They are a great distraction

Whether it be

Depression or anxiety or schizophrenia

I suffer from all three

So it’s good to keep myself busy

Other stuff like just cleaning up

And doing things that require thinking

Are a good way to escape

It’s a trick to keep your mind

Off of the pain

But whatever I do

It’s better than just sitting around

And worrying about life

Patrika Williamson


To me growing up without a father

Left a hole in my mind and heart

No one to show me how to fight

Or tell me how much they love me

Just the love of one parent

My Mother

I wondered why he left

Why didn’t he care

To pop in my life

To support me

To show me what’s right

There was always something missing

My Mother could never make up for it

She did the best she could

But when he walked out of our lives

It wasn’t any easier

What is it like to have a dad in your life

I’ll never know what that’s like

I can’t even say I love him

Having never known him

Or tell him in person

I just wonder if he knows

How much he missed out on

Watching me blossom

And grow from a child to a woman

Now I’m old enough to be a mother

And I pray that I won’t have to raise my children

Without their father

Patrika Williamson

Am I Too Hard On Myself?

I was feeling a bit weird

About how I talk to the voices

And wrote in my journal about it

Then I wondered how God felt about it

I had an interesting dream

I was blessed with an abundance

I think they were little fish

But I didn’t know what to do with them

So I fed them to animals

If this was a special answer to my question

Than I am not looking at the big picture

I am blessed

Even if I hear voices

I feared that I was being too harsh

To these people who claim

They will never leave me

And I was worried

That God would be mad at me

For not treating them with the utmost respect

But as I wrote in my journal last night

I thought of all the times

I feared for my life

I thought everyone on earth

Hated me

I couldn’t even eat or drink

I just totally shut down

Because these same people

Who kept feeding me lies

I almost died

And was in the hospital

For a while

It’s not something

You’d wish on anybody

So maybe I shouldn’t be too harsh

As I didn’t bring that on myself

And today they said I deserved to be

Under hell

How can one individual

Be made out to be so horrible

I tend to be harsh on myself

While they wait in line

To make me feel even worse

It’s so easy for me to confuse myself

God loves me no matter what

And for some reason

I’m still hung up about them

There isn’t a pill I can take for this

Patrika Williamson