My Mother’s Birthday

Today was my Mom’s birthday

So I scrambled around and got

Her everything

But we usually don’t have big blowouts

And my brother’s ex

Brought over my niece and nephew

So my Mom got to see them too

We hadn’t seen them in a few months

My Mom even got to see her new baby

My Mom loves babies

I haven’t had any unfortunately

I had to go to my room after a while

I sometimes get nervous

When I’m around several people

Some social settings I can handle

But when it’s close

I can’t

Family gatherings were always a challenge

Growing up

We’d go to my Grandmother’s house

And have a big dinner every holiday

I wouldn’t talk and just sat to myself

I never knew what it was

I guess it was bad anxiety

But it wasn’t until adulthood

When I was finally diagnosed with it

I had such a traumatic childhood

Patrika Williamson

 

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Childhood Trauma

Finally saw a doctor today

After being at the clinic all morning

After talking to a social worker

I was reminded of how traumatic

My life was growing up

I lived through abuse

Not by a parent

But by my younger brother

I kind of down-played it

As I described it

To the social worker

But abuse is abuse

I’ve been hit

I’ve been threatened

Maybe that’s why I have problems

Forming relationships

Plus I’m always nervous

I can recall times when

I thought he might kill me

I was just so scared

It was hard to get away from him

The only thing that separates us now

Is that he’s in prison

We’re still in contact though

Although the abuse stopped

Years ago

I still have trouble severing ties

Patrika Williamson

Missing Dad

I can’t be anybody else but me

I was thinking about my dad just now

Wondering why he stopped talking to me

Years ago by some chance encounter

I was able to be reunited with him

After not having him in my life

For most of my childhood

We talked on the phone daily

And I got to meet him as an adult

But only once

After that I don’t know what happened to him

Did I scare him away

Was there something I had not said

Like please stay in my life

Though I could not truly say

That I loved him

Since he is like a stranger to me

I still wanted something

To have him walk me down the aisle

Or to give me advice

I don’t know

Whatever people do with their fathers

I can’t now

He stopped talking to me

Just like when he left my Mother

I couldn’t say stay

And when he never saw me again

I wondered why

Did I do something

Or was he ashamed

Did he think he couldn’t be a dad

A man who would stay

I’m so close to my Mother

I could never imagine not having her

She is the only one I can turn to

I’m just left blaming myself

Like I said something wrong

During one of our many conversations

I wonder how he could ever say

He loved me

If he couldn’t stay in my life

It’s not my fault

He’s a grown man

And has made plenty of bad choices

But maybe I shouldn’t say that

He is still my dad

And the only one I’ll ever have

Patrika Williamon

High School Dreams

I can’t believe

I had another high school dream

But I was trying to take a class

And wanted to go to a second school

Even though I didn’t need to go

No I’m glad I’m just done with it

At one point I saw the lockers

And I saw something inside of them

I wanted to steal it but was too nervous

Me and school go hand and hand

According to my dreams

I can’t believe how obsessed

I am since I dream about it so much

I must feel that my life is a at a standstill

I would like to gain more status in my life

Or have more responsibilities

Patrika Williamson

Writing to Feel Better

Writing is like breathing to me

I have to do it everyday

I just like to put my thoughts on paper

It’s like talking for me

I don’t talk very much

So writing daily is important

I remember writing in my first diary

In fourth grade

But I didn’t get to the creative side

Until I was a teenager

I wrote poems and songs

And things just came out so easily

When I was depressed

I used it as an escape

Instead of talking it over

With anyone

It turned into stories

I’d get an idea

And write it down

I’ve been writing ever since I was a child

And always have the passion

To write out my feelings

It can be therapeutic for me

And I feel better doing it

Patrika Williamson

Oddball

I had so many more dreams

Of being teased in school

What is wrong with me

I even was in detention

Was introduced to new voices

Well yesterday

And they all expressed hatred for me

That’s like the in thing for them

It’s hard when you’re fragile like me

I didn’t grow up with a lot of encouragement

So I’m used to feeling like the oddball

I just kept to myself

And didn’t really talk alot

And I was the mysterious one

No one knew a lot about me

Only that I was quiet

And not very friendly

To this day I’m still that way

But since I don’t have a job

And not in school at the moment

I just take up solace in my room

But it isn’t a big deal

It has a comfortable feel

Patrika Williamson

School Dreams

All of my dreams last night

Had to do with school

A secret play was rehearsed

In the cafeteria

I helped during the lunch rush

And I was picked at during home room

I don’t know if that means

I really have an attachment to school

Or what

It’s just a reminder

Of how much school played a big

Part in my life

Several years back

But now it doesn’t

And while I’ve had many jobs in my life

I’ve never obsessed over them

But school is a big deal I guess

If I guessed

The home room dream

Was about being picked at and bullied

Which has always been a constant for me

Even in adulthood

And the secret play

Maybe had to do with my life

Being so closed to everyone else

I don’t socialize very much or have friends

So my life goes on

While only my family knows

Patrika Williasmon

 

Fatherless

To me growing up without a father

Left a hole in my mind and heart

No one to show me how to fight

Or tell me how much they love me

Just the love of one parent

My Mother

I wondered why he left

Why didn’t he care

To pop in my life

To support me

To show me what’s right

There was always something missing

My Mother could never make up for it

She did the best she could

But when he walked out of our lives

It wasn’t any easier

What is it like to have a dad in your life

I’ll never know what that’s like

I can’t even say I love him

Having never known him

Or tell him in person

I just wonder if he knows

How much he missed out on

Watching me blossom

And grow from a child to a woman

Now I’m old enough to be a mother

And I pray that I won’t have to raise my children

Without their father

Patrika Williamson

I Never Stop Learning

I finally got a song right

Well just about

In my guitar class

We played “Hey Jude”

by The Beatles

It was nice playing

A song that I had heard of

But there’s still work to be done

The exercises I did

Took a lot of finger reaching

And my hands ached after each try

Guitar playing isn’t just about sounding cool

You have to learn the other stuff too

It’s like baby steps as they say

I dreamed again of high school

But this time it was a celebration

With lots of food

I think it was a graduation party

I wonder what is my obsession with high school

I finished years ago

But I still dream about it

Like I’m still living through

My teenage years again

I know that they say

It symbolizes learning new things

But I feel like there’s something

I’m longing for

I don’t know if it’s a popularity or what

I was never popular but got

Really good grades

And finished in the top ten

Of my class

But looking back it’s not that big

Of a deal

The fact was I made it through

We all have parts of our lives

That we wish we could redo

And since then I’ve had many moments

In my life that I wished

I didn’t have to go through

Like getting sick

Or becoming chemically dependent on meds

But I’d rather this than being committed again

Patrika Williamson

A Dream about my Brother

Man I had one weird

Long dream last night

I was at home and some how

A crazy guy took over

With his family

He was a killer

And he held me and my family hostage

I tried to get some sleep in my bed

But he didn’t allow sheets

And at one point I thought

There was a snake in my bed

That touched my feet

But later after my brother investigated

It was actually a little kitty

I had cats in my bed

Which is actually true in my life

Since I sleep with my kittens

In my bed

But this time there was a fourth

I guess from the neighborhood

And it had been there for days

But anyway

My brother went missing

And I finally found him

Hiding in a chair

With his face painted white

He was saying things to

Make the man go away

This part of my dream

Took me a little while to interpret

At the moment my brother is in prison

I tend to forget the type of person he is

He has a bad temper and can get violent

But he tends to lay on the guilt trip when

We don’t talk to him or buy him books

The fact that his face was white in the dream

Meant that he was trying to make himself look innocent

But he is completely capable of doing horrible things

I sometimes have dreams of my brother

In present day and free

But in the past whenever I dreamed of him

He was always a kid

We’re only five years apart though

And he’s a grown man

But I’m torn sometimes

And feel sorry for him

Even though

He was hard to live with

He grew up to be a very abusive man

And my Mother could never separate herself from him

I had trouble over the years

Since he bullied me and our Mom

And I have tried to forgive him

But there are just so many

Bad memories

That made my childhood a nightmare

If it wasn’t other people bullying me

Throughout childhood

It was him

Patrika Williamson