Working Out

Didn’t leave the house today

Trying to keep a routine

Of guitar practice

I didn’t feel too depressed

But starting new meds tomorrow

I will finally get off of what

Gave me so many side effects

I hope what I will be taking now

Won’t affect me too much

I want to go back to the gym

And try to get healthy

If I go back with my Mom

Maybe I can start going

A few times a week

I found out that I can stay on

The elliptical for an hour

And it burns way more calories

Than walking on the treadmill

But for some reason my feet

Kind of fall asleep

If I’m on it that long

So I usually would do thirty minutes

A good workout did make me feel good

I just hope I can see some results

Patrika Williamson





Children and Medication

I didn’t make it to church today

But did see my niece and nephew

Today was my nephew’s birthday

He hugged me after we gave him his gifts

It was really nice to see them again

I don’t get to visit them so

These times are rare

But being with my younger niece can be challenging

My Mom wants to put her on meds

She has learned from other parents

That they have been medicating their children

She’s only five though

She has a friend though who was medicated

And it really helped her

Because she was becoming very aggressive

I know there’s a debate about medicating kids

But what else do you do

When kids get out of control

My Mother doesn’t believe in spanking

And taking away privileges doesn’t work

She just yells and throws things

And her older sister who’s twelve is much worse

There are times when even punishment doesn’t work

But their father

My younger brother

Had to have meds

He was emotionally disturbed

They aren’t however

But when they sometimes mimic his behavior

It makes you want to have something

To help them mind

I’m not against it

But I don’t know what it’s like

I didn’t start taking anything myself

Until I was an adult

But I wished that I had been put on something

As a child for my depression and anxiety

Maybe I would have been a different person entirely

Patrika Williamson

My Ups and My Downs

I was so sluggish today

I don’t know why

But I just stayed in bed all day

And barely ate

I saw my new psychiatrist

The other day

And finally got to get

My meds changed

But I’m a little uneasy since

I didn’t wean myself off of

The stuff I had been taking

He just changed what I was taking

And I had a bit of trouble sleeping

I just hope that I’ll finally not

Have a huge appetite

Or gain anymore weight

The meds that I was taking

Had weight gain

As a side effect

And I packed on so many pounds

And had trouble getting them off

But this is a new day

And a new doctor

So hopefully

Things will change

And I’ll finally lose some weight

I was planning on

Starting a new diet as well

A lot of shakes and other liquids

Hopefully once I start

I’ll be able to stick with it

And I’ve been wanting to

Go back to

The gym to hit the elliptical

Which I found burns more calories

Than the bike and treadmill

I used to have trouble staying on it

More than five minutes

But somehow I was able to

Ride it an entire hour

However my feet would fall asleep

But staying on for an hour

Is a big accomplishment for me

At this point I haven’t even been going

In quite a while

But I want to go back

Once school is over

Patrika Williamson


I wish I didn’t have to take meds

But I am a person who depends on it

If I don’t take them

Then I can’t function

Before meds I just remember

Being depressed

But after years of taking so many

Different things

I’ve become dependent

I don’t remember being so helpless

Without it before

But now whenever my system is

Completely clear I can’t stay calm

I can’t sit down

And I argue with the voices

Plus I want to kill myself

And can’t function

I’ve learned over the years to always take

My meds even if they don’t help

With every single symptom

And I guess the drugs have just

Enhanced what symptoms I used to have

No matter what I take I still hear them

But they are the least of my problems

When I don’t take anything

I just don’t know what makes me

Feel crazy and unable to stay calm

But I want to blame medication

It’s meant to help

But there was a time when all I was

Was depressed and anxious

Not wanting to be around people

Is not the same as losing your mind

Or wanting to die

But that’s how drug companies

Make their money

They get you hooked

And the billion dollar companies make money

On an industry that will never go away

There’s no cure for any of my illnesses

And all I can do is take more pills

To keep away the symptoms

I refuse to do anything more drastic

Like ECT or surgery

But the same pills that “help” me

Have side-effects like weight gain

And high blood pressure or tremors

I used to get extremely dizzy

And couldn’t walk or see straight

And that’s very dangerous to

Spring up when I’m driving

I hate having to take prescription drugs

But for me there’s no other option

Patrika Williamson

How I Deal With It

The worst thing about having psychosis

Is that the voices

Seem so real to me

I feel like I am talking to real people

And it is beyond simple

To assume that I can understand and hear them clear as day

But I don’t necessarily want to know what they say

It can be an insult

Which results

In my feelings being hurt

Or criticism

Which can be their words of wisdom

It can be just about anybody

Feeling free to be funny

And trick me into believing

That someone is out to get me

Sometimes they’ll come up with conspiracy theories

Or convince me that something

Really bad will happen to me

I’ve gone through it so many times

That I know now not to give them the time

To get to me

And make me go completely

Out of my mind

I can think of so many times

In the past

Where they were able to win me over at last

But eventually I would realize

That it was all lies

I can’t say that meds helped

The many times I wish I were somewhere else

But eventually it would end

Now I know that I can stop them

By saying something funny

It’s the only

Way I can get out of

Being taken for a


They seem to think it’s funny

Making me see things that turned out to be

Part of their weird games

My sanity isn’t a game

But since they won’t leave me alone

I have to find ways to deal with them on my own

Patrika Williamson



I don’t know why I obsess

No matter how normal my life is

I’ll sit and think about everything

And forget that it’s nothing

Just my mind going crazy

My mind never gets lazy

If I don’t take anything to sleep

I’ll lie in bed all night and stay deep

In thought

Trying not

To confuse myself and figure out a solution

Sometimes for me I think about my religion

And how much God loves me

I know he does no matter who I choose to be

But for some reason it still tears at me

And causes me to just keep thinking

There are many times when I want to believe

Something is true and I can’t

Even though all the signs point to the answer

It worries me so

And continues to be an ongoing thing

Like what will happen in my future

I should just let things be

And leave my life to chance

Since I know I can’t always change things

I’m a regular human being

Maybe I’m just a hard thinker

Who hates the taste of liquor

And refuses to alter my perspective

With drugs and injections

I take enough stuff as it is

Just to feel OK

And not make myself ill

Whether through uncontrollable thinking

Or not being able to stay seated

I can’t help but believe

That if I never took anything

I’d be out of my head

Never knowing if I was even alive or dead

Or maybe not who I’m supposed to be

It’s not something I’d suggest you’d want to experience

And I don’t know exactly what started all of this

I’ve never done illicit drugs or even drank

Until I was unconcious

I just led the most clean life

Until I was knocked on my hyde

By mental illness

I’m not even sure if I am always making sense

It’s sometimes just a stream of consciousness

Patrika Williamson


Side Effects

One of my biggest complaints

About taking meds is the side effects

I know that the benefits are great

But at what cost

Over the years

I’ve had to take many drugs

That were so strong

That they altered my system

I’ve stopped having periods

Then ones that lasted for weeks

And others made me drool

I would have shakes and tremors

Dizziness and nightmares

Be so sleepy that I struggled to wake up

And then there were the ones that were so strong

That they drove up my blood pressure and pulse

To this day my pressure seems to stay up

And I didn’t put it all together that the reason why

I’m so heavy and can’t seem to lose the excess weight

Is because of this powerful stuff

From a small woman who didn’t eat much

I’m now a big woman who can’t sneeze without gaining weight

It amazes me that there are so many things

That come with being medicated

Sure I don’t feel crazy

But at what cost

Is my mental health more important than

Being healthy physically

Or more prone to having a stroke or diabetes

I’m starting to think I need to do something drastic

Not even diet and exercise work for me like it used to

Of course at the time I was healthier when I didn’t weigh so much

But now it’s not a maybe

I don’t have a choice

If I want to live a long and healthy life

I have to lose weight

But the healthy way

And I feel like if I keep taking the same things

It will never stay off

Patrika Williamson

Keeping up with the Treatments

It can be hard to stay upbeat

When you’re plagued mentally

With all kinds of imbalances

I take pills to keep myself as

Balanced as possible

Whether it’s getting depressed to the point of

Wanting to commit suicide

Or trying not to let my nervousness get the best of me

I desperately have to take my meds

Or else, I will end up hurting myself

If not physically than emotionally

By cracking up and not being able to do any

Normal things like eating

Or even getting out of bed

I can barely get up enough to pee

Let alone get dressed or step outside

It can get really bad

And even though I still have a few major symptoms

Like audio and video hallucinations

It’s better than having all of the other things that come with it

That can’t be controlled by sleeping it off or having a talk

With someone who is supportive in your life

To this day there is no known cure for any of this

But I am fortunate that I can control some of it

At least the more dangerous symptoms that I mentioned

I’ve learned over the years the hard way

That I have to stay medicated or else I shut down

I can’t necessarily say I’m a success story

But when dealing with mental illness

It can take years of treatment to be able to manage it

And live a normal life

Without ending up in a hosptital

But I do have relatives who are bipolar and have been in and out

Of hospitals alot more than me

In my case I was close to death a few times

And had to be treated first by a doctor in the regular hospital

Before being transferred to what they call “behavioral health”

They don’t say mental hospitals nowadays

Well whatever it’s called at times wasn’t helpful at all

And the road to finding the right combination of meds was trial and error

A process of me taking something

And telling the doctor if I had side effects or if it worked

Then having my dosage adjusted to see if it helped

You really have to be patient

But it’s better than trying to manage it on your own

So don’t give up on your health and good luck

Patrika Williamson


The Problem with Pills

I’ve come to be dependent on meds

Without out them I slip into suicidalness

I can’t stay calm

Or control my thoughts

I feel like I’m cracking up

And go on and on

Since what I take does nothing to stop

What I’m hearing in my head

There is no change

If I go too long without taking anything

Like maybe a few days

I feel like I’m slowly going insane

I’ve done it many times in the past

It’s not something I’d recommend

When you’re dependent like me

On medication

A few times when I was without my meds

I ended up having to be in a behavioral health department

I’m just that messed up

Over the years and even growing up

I don’t remember needing the help of drugs

I felt depressed most of the time

And of course people thought I was really shy

But after seeing a psychiatrist and being put on all sorts of drugs

I’ve become so dependent and hooked on this stuff

I understand it helps me with my other symptoms

But why do I feel even crazier than I ever was

Not crazy dangerous

But more mixed up

And I can’t sleep at all

My insomnia is that chronic

It also contributes to my nervousness

I dread what I’ll be like if I have to detox

I want to have children some day

I can’t keep up my regimen

I want them to be healthy and free of birth defects

The safety of my unborn children is always more important

I hope that I’ll find a safe alternative

Patrika Williamson


Me Without Meds

Here’s the link to the android app for this blog: . Please check it out. Thinking about my life and how I’ve changed over the years I thought about the importance of seeking treatment for my illness. I don’t want to sound preachy but sometimes you can’t always solve all you problems with drugs and alcohol. So hopefully I will inspire someone to get help from a professional even if it’s hard to speak up. Feel free to comment.

I take so many pills everyday

I can remember years ago when I had to do it their way

Having doctors prescribe meds

All different types of crazy side effects

Stuff that made me shake or drool

Thank God it wasn’t when I was still going to school

I hated getting dizzy spells, or wanting to excessively eat

I gained so much weight even in my feet

My symptoms would come and go

The voices still made my head their home

I kept taking the meds then would stop

Afraid that I would flip flop

I’d be fine for a while then slowly decend

Into psychosis and thought my life would end

Even getting to the point of a suicide attempt

Not knowing that my pills were meant to prevent

The serious symptoms I had

And there was no other way not to be so sad

My body now is so full of chemicals

That I can’t even miss a few doses

Without turning into some loony with psychosis

I wouldn’t even be able to sit still

Or calm myself down cause I’m so ill

Crazy enough to need to be locked up

Having to be medicated with a full cup

Of various pills for my major depression

And all the other pent up aggression

Schizophrenia will always stay these days

No matter what I take it will never go away

Patrika Williamson