CPAP Blues

Had a rough night

My CPAP mask wouldn’t stay on

So I kept waking up

By the morning I couldn’t stay up

Just like before

But I got out of the house today

I just hope tonight I can get it to stay on

I’ve only had it for a month or two

And can’t get the mask to work

The straps are velcro

And the hooks that connect to the mask

Are made of plastic and don’t snap

So they’re not sturdy

But it’s the only thing

That keeps me going

So I should just try and make do

Patrika Williamson


Insomnia is Hellish

Last night was torture

My insomnia got to me

I laid in bed unable to sleep

The voices wouldn’t stop

Talking to me

I just tossed and turned

Couldn’t get comfortable

It was hot as hell

I’d turn on the fan

Then turn it off again

I couldn’t get keep cool

The voices wouldn’t let up

They just kept coming up

With stuff to say

And I couldn’t get away

What a nightmare

And all because

I ran out of one of my meds

It wasn’t my fault

I just couldn’t go back

To my clinic

But luckily

I was a able to straighten things out

So now I have my meds again

And hopefully I’ll be able to sleep again

I am praying that I’ll be able

To get some rest

Because I gotta get up in the morning

And having one person after another

Talking in my head when I’m trying to rest

Is just so stressful

I just felt like I wanted to explode

I’m OK now

I was able to drag myself out of bed

And get to church

And am so thankful

Patrika Williamson






Talking in my Sleep

I don’t know why

But when I

Am in between being

Asleep and awake I find myself talking to and seeing

The people in my head

I wish I could ignore them instead

But I will talk to them as if I wasn’t sleeping at all

It’s weird that I can still hear them all

At a time when I am trying to rest

They just get really bored I guess

The conversations seem to take place

In my headspace

And usually end with me insulting them every time

I don’t know why

But even in my subconscious mind

I am fed up with them

It was never my idea to speak to them

I guess some wise guy on their end

Said let’s extend

Our conversation

So that they could have another session

While I’m asleep and peacefully dreaming

They used to wake me up in the beginning

And someone would say the same things to me

Over and over again that confused me

I’ve had trouble sleeping for years

And them filling my ears

Totally got on my nerves

Since I’m the one who already suffers

From chronic insomnia

I tell ya

It’s not that easy

To have to see and speak

To them whenever they feel like they need

To have a conversation with me

Battling schizophrenia isn’t easy

Patrika Williamson





I don’t know why I obsess

No matter how normal my life is

I’ll sit and think about everything

And forget that it’s nothing

Just my mind going crazy

My mind never gets lazy

If I don’t take anything to sleep

I’ll lie in bed all night and stay deep

In thought

Trying not

To confuse myself and figure out a solution

Sometimes for me I think about my religion

And how much God loves me

I know he does no matter who I choose to be

But for some reason it still tears at me

And causes me to just keep thinking

There are many times when I want to believe

Something is true and I can’t

Even though all the signs point to the answer

It worries me so

And continues to be an ongoing thing

Like what will happen in my future

I should just let things be

And leave my life to chance

Since I know I can’t always change things

I’m a regular human being

Maybe I’m just a hard thinker

Who hates the taste of liquor

And refuses to alter my perspective

With drugs and injections

I take enough stuff as it is

Just to feel OK

And not make myself ill

Whether through uncontrollable thinking

Or not being able to stay seated

I can’t help but believe

That if I never took anything

I’d be out of my head

Never knowing if I was even alive or dead

Or maybe not who I’m supposed to be

It’s not something I’d suggest you’d want to experience

And I don’t know exactly what started all of this

I’ve never done illicit drugs or even drank

Until I was unconcious

I just led the most clean life

Until I was knocked on my hyde

By mental illness

I’m not even sure if I am always making sense

It’s sometimes just a stream of consciousness

Patrika Williamson


Prayers, Wishes, Dreams, and Other Things

I wish for so many things

I want to be happy

To be healthy

To be free


But wishes don’t necessarily get granted

I never know what is going to happen

In my life

I try to keep a positive attitude

Focus on my goals

And achieve them

Even the little tiny ones

Like eating a healthy lunch

If I turn a wish into a dream

It feels more like it’s not meant to be

Then a prayer comes from me

Every night before I go to sleep

I pray long and hard

For a nice future

And all the things I wished and dreamed for

Somehow feel closer

Having a strong belief system is important

And then there are things that I can do on my own

Not always the unreasonable

But the average things

Like a laugh a day

Or one less reason to say

I dread the morning

Getting out of bed after sleeping

And beating insomnia

With meds of course

Otherwise no sleep for me

But other than that I’m fine really

Patrika Williamson

Stressful Insomnia

I’m not good at handling stress

I sweat or get really nervous

I’m asked a question

Or someone needs my help

And next thing I know

I’m full of doubt

I can’t even take a test

Without my mind going blank

Then I feel like I’m going insane

I’m worried about everything

I wish there was something

I could do to mellow myself out

I know there are plenty of things I can take

To take away the nervousness

While I’m awake

But I’ve never been lucky enough to get

Prescriptions of the hard stuff like valium

And I’m one of those people who has to take

Enough to knock out a horse

For it to actually work

Not that I’m a big person

I’m just a tough patient

That hardly anything works

I’m jealous of those who can use

Over-the-counter drugs to knock them out

I have to take the maximum dose

To finally black out

I’m just exaggerating but only a little

I’ve been known to pull all-nighters

Because what I took for sleep doesn’t work

And I’m left staying up all night

Playing babysitter to the people in my head

Who never take a break

They’re always awake to say

What they want

And they refuse to keep quiet

On their own

I dread the nights when my insomnia

Keeps me up the entire night

I have to fight

To relax and feel right

As long as I can get some sleep I’m fine

Or else I’m extremely drowsy

And irritable at times

Patrika Williamson