Looking towards the future

Is hard to me

When I have so many dreams

There are so many things

I want out of life

But I’ve only asked for them

So many times

I can be upbeat

But it’s not so easy

I just go through life thinking

That one day

It will all go my way

I have dreams

That life will be easy

Of course it’s not

It’s one thing to dream

And another to have the real thing

Why do I have to wait for nothing

I’m not beat down

Just reflecting

It’s hard to be happy

When my dreams aren’t reality

It’s not the same as depression

In my opinion

I can get out of bed

I can live

It’s just hard to grin

It doesn’t last

Not my CPAP

Not the meds


I just continue to dream

Of the most simplest things

Patrika Williamson



I Need Some Positiveness

Spent a bit of time out of the house

Still hot though

My kitten Apollo was so hot yesterday

That he stayed in the living room all night

Practiced a bit of guitar yesterday

Wrote a complete song

About praying to God

I never thought I could do it

But it all came together

At one time

And I just hope it doesn’t sound too negative

But I did it though

Quicker than the first song I wrote

I actually used some of the melodies

I had already come up with

To make it easy

I think I should keep writing

Pain is what drives me

And tomorrow is Sunday

So that means I need to go back to church

Hopefully it will perk me up

I need some positivity in my life now

Patrika Williamson

Feeling Good

Still eagerly awaiting my results

From last nights event

I thought about it

And even if I don’t get any matches

I’ll be OK

Because God will never leave me

I know that as long as I believe in him

He will answer my prayers

I was so devastated the last time I went

And didn’t get any matches

So even if I haven’t met the right guy

Maybe he’ll come along one day

And be perfect in every way

It took a lot for me to get to this point

I know God never disappoints

And with enough faith

It will turn into a miracle

So other than that

I’ll focus on myself

And finding the right job

Which I’m also hoping

I’ll stumble upon

So I am doing a bit better

And don’t feel as low

As I was the other day

Patrika Williamson

Speed Dating

Just came home from an event

It was fun

But it ended so sudden

I didn’t get to meet all of the guys

I actually found a few cool ones

Who had similar interests

Or ones that were interesting

I hated having to yell

Over all the noise though

And having to narrow down my likes on a card

Two of the guys I picked

Had the same name

But I’m crossing my finger that

I made a match

I had to write down my top five

But if I match all five

Do I get all their emails

Or just the first one

How does this work anyway

I should have asked

I did make it home though

And it’s hotter inside than out

But I’m home

So now I need to get some rest now

Patrika Williamson



A Low

I don’t know why

I must be having a low

I don’t want to go anywhere

I haven’t been to church in a few weeks

And I don’t want to even leave my room

I guess I’m one of those people

Who can’t handle change

As hot as it is

I just stay in my pajamas

I still haven’t cleaned my room

What has shut me down

Is it not having anything to do

No routine


Or something more

Something is really bothering me

I just want to pull myself out quick

I don’t know how though

I need a spark

Or a jolt to the system

Something that breaks me out of this

But what

Hopefully it will end soon

Patrika Williamson

Family Life

It’s already hot and miserable

And summer hasn’t even started yet

I wish I could get out more

But I don’t have any plans

For the summer

I just bake in my room

Since we have no AC

And my fan blows hot air

When it gets really warm

I just wish I could cool off somewhere

But my older niece is back

And she lives in the living room

So it’s back to her never leaving the house

And always being irritable

I don’t know how this could be a permanent thing

She still isn’t in school

I know it’s summer but

To have kids in the house all day

With nothing to do can be stressful too

She hasn’t broken anything yet

But I don’t think my Mom can help her

My niece’s mother just dumped her off

On our doorstep the other day

And she said she couldn’t come back

How can anyone do that to their own child

We were just getting her back to normal

And now she has to adjust again

Patrika Williamson





To me growing up without a father

Left a hole in my mind and heart

No one to show me how to fight

Or tell me how much they love me

Just the love of one parent

My Mother

I wondered why he left

Why didn’t he care

To pop in my life

To support me

To show me what’s right

There was always something missing

My Mother could never make up for it

She did the best she could

But when he walked out of our lives

It wasn’t any easier

What is it like to have a dad in your life

I’ll never know what that’s like

I can’t even say I love him

Having never known him

Or tell him in person

I just wonder if he knows

How much he missed out on

Watching me blossom

And grow from a child to a woman

Now I’m old enough to be a mother

And I pray that I won’t have to raise my children

Without their father

Patrika Williamson

That Negative Voice

I feel good after going to church

Church was empowering

The pastor had a panel of women speak

And the guest speaker

Mentioned that we have a negative voice

That tells us bad things

And makes us feel like we’re no good

Man for me it’s like so many

But they were referring to the devil

Who puts lies in our head

And makes us sin

Plus so many other things

I remember thinking

Man I have to battle so much negativity

And the voices I hear don’t sound like the devil

Or some little voice that I can barely hear

These are loud and clear

And they sound like regular people

The sound like people you know

Maybe your mother or a friend

And every day I hear them

The only thing I can do is fight back

And say what you say isn’t true

You can’t beat me down

Or make me agree with you

So it’s a struggle

Day to day

Hearing them

And trying not to scream

To make them go away

I have to be my own cheer team

Patrika Williamson

Am I Too Hard On Myself?

I was feeling a bit weird

About how I talk to the voices

And wrote in my journal about it

Then I wondered how God felt about it

I had an interesting dream

I was blessed with an abundance

I think they were little fish

But I didn’t know what to do with them

So I fed them to animals

If this was a special answer to my question

Than I am not looking at the big picture

I am blessed

Even if I hear voices

I feared that I was being too harsh

To these people who claim

They will never leave me

And I was worried

That God would be mad at me

For not treating them with the utmost respect

But as I wrote in my journal last night

I thought of all the times

I feared for my life

I thought everyone on earth

Hated me

I couldn’t even eat or drink

I just totally shut down

Because these same people

Who kept feeding me lies

I almost died

And was in the hospital

For a while

It’s not something

You’d wish on anybody

So maybe I shouldn’t be too harsh

As I didn’t bring that on myself

And today they said I deserved to be

Under hell

How can one individual

Be made out to be so horrible

I tend to be harsh on myself

While they wait in line

To make me feel even worse

It’s so easy for me to confuse myself

God loves me no matter what

And for some reason

I’m still hung up about them

There isn’t a pill I can take for this

Patrika Williamson

By Myself

After starting my new classes today

I felt that same feeling I used to get

Where I want to be alone

And not want to make friends

I always seem to find the empty seat

That’s not next to anybody

I don’t really talk during class just listen

But I’m going to make a goal

That in my guitar class

Next week I’m going to sit next to somebody

Who can play

That way if I get stuck I can ask them for help

Or at least speak up

And meet someone new

I’m no music expert

But I observed others picking up

On the lesson easily

While I struggled a bit

At one point it made me wish I was

At home practicing by myself

Not worried about how I sound

Since no one else was around

But at least I know how to strum

But this may sound dumb

Even strumming for the first time can be hard

And I have no rhythm

But the instructor said we need to practice

Everyday outside of class

Since we only meet on Mondays

Plus we need to learn a song for Open House

Which is new for them since it’s adult school

And not a class for kids

But being around so many other students

Didn’t make me comfortable

I’m allergic to people

And tend to feel uncomfortable

When people look at me

Or it could just be

A feeling I get like their eyes are on me

Well it’s not gonna make me quit

Next time I’m planning to sit

In a different spot

Patrika Williamson