Stuck

I can’t get out of this

Drought I’m in

And I even missed

My last doctor’s appointment

Another few weeks of this

Not wanting to do anything

Not even eat

Or get out of bed

And do my errands

Is challenging

I just can’t get motivated

And I missed church again

This Sunday

I managed to get out last week

So I guess that’s a good thing

But since it’s so hot

It’s not an easy thing

My fan can only keep it so cool

And I can only do so much in my room

I just don’t want to do anything

Not even watch TV

It’s not the end of the world

But with my experience

Medication can really affect

Your personality

And I don’t want to end up in a hospital

Over this

Patrika Williamson

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High School Dreams

I can’t believe

I had another high school dream

But I was trying to take a class

And wanted to go to a second school

Even though I didn’t need to go

No I’m glad I’m just done with it

At one point I saw the lockers

And I saw something inside of them

I wanted to steal it but was too nervous

Me and school go hand and hand

According to my dreams

I can’t believe how obsessed

I am since I dream about it so much

I must feel that my life is a at a standstill

I would like to gain more status in my life

Or have more responsibilities

Patrika Williamson

The Difference Between Them

My kitten Apollo

Is all black

I never believed

That supperstition

That black cats are unlucky

I think they’re beautiful

His sister Venus

Is a Tortoise Shell

I originally thought she was a Calico

Since she is multi-colored

But learned that she isn’t

Because she has no white in her coat

Her hair isn’t slick like her brothers

Kind of coarse

But her brother’s fur is so silky

I love petting him

He even rolled over for me today

And let me rub his belly

There are rare times

When she will let me rub her

But she is way more independent

She latches more onto my Mother

Even though I do everything for them

But if my Mom’s not home

She will cuddle with me

Which I totally love

But when they get big

I’ll miss being able to pick them both up

At the same time

Apollo eats so much

And is already heavier than her

So when they’re grown

He’ll be huge

And she’ll probably stay petite

Patrika Williamson

So Frustrating

I was so angry

In my dream last night

I had just moved into

My college dorm room

And every time I looked

My roommate changed

Everything around

My stuff kept getting moved

I didn’t know why

And then when they told me

Something didn’t work

I would get mad and break stuff

But not purposefully

I’d get really clumsy and break something

It was embarrassing

I was so frustrated

I don’t know why I was dreaming about college

But when I’m angry and frustrated in a dream

I usually am for real

My older niece still practically lives on the couch

She is very rude as well

We can’t even talk around her

It’s one thing to be a rude adult

But to be a rude kid is another

She seems to think that if she is loud enough

She can get her way

And the way she talks

Is as if she thinks she runs the show

If I had my way

She wouldn’t be staying with us

She’s too young to think she’s grown

Unfortunately my Mom isn’t old-school

So a her methods aren’t enough

I just don’t know when she’ll act like

A normal twelve year old

Patrika Williamson

A Cool Day

Today was cool

Got a free Slurpee

On 7/11 Day

But my Mom beat me

By getting four

With my niece

I didn’t feel like going to all the 7-Elevens

Since they were busy

And the one I chose to go to

Had you check out

So they could sell you something

My Mom told me the ones she went to

Didn’t bother her

She just got the Slurpees

It was very refreshing though

They always have some new flavor

But I always stick to Coke and Wild Cherry

I always have them in the summer

Or a slush from Sonic

Whatever I do have

Icy drinks are always good

Patrika Williamson

 

Wondering

As I wonder what to write today

Pictures go through my mind

I am spending this time

Trying to focus

And get this done

With little inspiration

I still manage to fill the page

And don’t always know

What’s best to say

I just sit down

And write

Sometimes about a dream

I’ve had last night

Like the night before

I actually had finals in high school

But as much as the tests

Had me stressed

It was more about how much time I had

I forgot about all my other classes

In reality I don’t have such a stressful life

But staying inside

And not keeping cool enough

Drives me nuts

I don’t want to do things

Like I used to

And getting ready is a pain

I can’t wait

For this part of my life

To be over

But I have to live through it

And no one else will take my place

Patrika Williamson

Up But Not Ready

It has to be my meds

I can’t otherwise explain why

I can’t get out of bed

I just lack the motivation

And even though I don’t

Have trouble sleeping

I get up but don’t want to

Get out

I just try then

Roll over

I can’t start my day

It takes a lot of motivation

To get up and start the day

No matter how early I take my

Nighttime dose

It doesn’t matter

I can’t get up in the morning

Just wake up

But not want to open my eyes

Did these meds make me more depressed

Or just groggy

I don’t feel extra sleepy

I don’t even sleep extra time

Just toss and turn all the while

I have to get to the bottom of this

At my next visit

Maybe it’s my prescriptions

Patrika Williamson

Not So Fast

I caught a glimpse of my kitten Venus

During feeding time

She is so hard to find

I never see her during the day

And now that it has cooled down

She is finally visable

She is the smaller of the two

With her brother having

The bigger appetite

No jumping tricks like Apollo

But she is very affectionate

When she allows it

Last week she came out for me

And let me rub and caress her

I don’t know alot about female cats

But they must be much more elusive than males

And don’t just let everyone

Have their love

You have to earn it

Unlike Apollo

Who will come on to anyone

I’m still learning about each of them

Even though I’ve had them

Since they were five weeks old

Patrika Williamson

Finding Humor

I got out today

It was mysteriously cloudy

But still pretty hot

We don’t get alot of moisture

In the summer

So we have the dry heat

That brings on a lot of fires

I couldn’t relax

Because my fan only blew

Hot air around

I can’t wait until fall

When I can bundle up

With my kittens again

And not sweat so much

Or get thirsty

I watched standup

Something I used to do growing up

Humor is so common to me

Since my Mom is very funny

And I love watching comedies

I guess that’s how I learned to deal

With so many bad things in my life

To find some humor to everything

Makes a situation less bad

Like my mental illness

If I couldn’t make jokes I wouldn’t be able to

Keep myself sane all these years

I have to make myself laugh

Patrika Williamson

Going Back to School

I am tired of this heat

But decided to go back to school

So that should get

Me out of the house this summer

I’m gonna learn how to make phone apps

I hope I can get the hang of it

Because the class is short

But maybe it’s not that complicated

I’ve only tried it on my own

And that didn’t work out

I want to excel

It’s free for the most part

But I don’t know if I need to buy a book

I would like something

To use as a reference

I look forward to acquiring

This new skill

And creating a cool app

That everyone wants

Patrika Williamson

 

Checking out Fiverr

Trying a new approach

To getting the most

Out of looking for jobs

And other things

I heard of Fiverr

A while back and used it

For some different things

It’s cool since you can ask

For just about anything

I haven’t sold any services

On there but it seems like a nice platform

You can go through the listings

And find a service like

Creating a logo

Or writing a novel

And people will offer their services

Starting at five bucks

But if you can’t find what you want

You can also get a quote

By setting your own deal up

I got an app builder membership once

But now looking for help finding a job

And you can get a refund if you’re not happy

It’s a cool site

Check it out

Patrika Williamson

Happy Fourth

Got back late

Saw fireworks

For the first time in years

It was an amazing view

From a house on in the hills

Ate barbecue

Socialized

Everything was nice

My niece had fun

The younger one

This day was so perfect

And I just got home

To make this post

What a wonderful day

To celebrate

Happy Fourth of July

Patrika Williamson

The Cutest Thing

Out of my two kittens

Apollo is the most affectionate

He cries for me

And jumps into my arms

Sometimes even on my back

I’ve only seen it in movies

When a furry animal

Jumps up like that

But he’s not doing it as an attack

I just don’t like that he uses his nails

Whenever he does it

He does it and them rubs against me

Venus is usually no where to be found

I hope that when they are fully grown

That Apollo doesn’t still do that

Since an adult cat can do more damage

But for now it still startles me

I’m not used to it

Since I’m getting clawed

Otherwise it’s the cutest thing

A kitten can do

Patrika Willliamson

Going Back

Made it out today

Got to church

For a special on movies

Our church was popping

There was a DJ in the lobby

Face painting outside

And balloon animals

The pastor reviewed the movie

Hidden Figures

He has a special series he does

Every year

On movies

Where he relates a different movie

Every week

To the Holy Bible

It was nice going back

Everyone was friendly

And the woman sitting next to me

Bought me popcorn

I need to go back regularly

For the worship and atmosphere

I am thankful that I fought my laziness

And that I was able to get out

Of the house

Patrika Williamson

Daily Life

Still staying in my room

Now I don’t want to get up

I just feel so detached

I don’t know why I can’t get up

Even after waking up early enough

I know that things have to get done

But I seem to just want to lie down

Maybe it’s what my new doctor

Prescribed me

I just feel like there’s no motivation

To get up every day

And I’m stuck in my room

Trying to feel cool

I need to get out tomorrow

To go to church

My kittens don’t mind

They just spend their time

Sleeping

They seem to do it better than me

I know life isn’t about getting rest

It’s about living

But I don’t even want to eat

Sometimes I wonder if I should

Check into a hosptial

But they don’t let you rest

You always have to get out of bed

And do some activities

I never got how they let some

Of the patients stay in bed the whole time

But for me I felt like I was being punished

When they caught me trying to sleep

I still remember my doctor

Threatening me with ECT

I guess a hospital isn’t the best place for me

But I can’t stay at home all day

I have things I have to do

Patrika Williamson

Waiting

Last night I dreamed of waiting

I wanted to get a chemical peel

But the wait was so long

I wanted to do it so bad

Because I had a coupon

And every time I talked to them

They said they couldn’t take me in

I wondered why they couldn’t just

Schedule appointments

Instead of turning away customers

I finally talked to someone

And she got me in by telling

The person in charge

That I was bitten by a rat

I was happy that I was finally being seen

In life I am waiting for

My prayers to be answered

It seems like it’s taking forever sometimes

And I feel like I keep getting turned away

Instead of it being set up like an appointment

As we are so accustomed to

We have to wait on God’s schedule

I have been told this many times before

If we don’t then we seek other ways

To get help

Or try to do things on our own

When I have taken matters into my own hands

In the past it’s ended up in disaster

I know I must wait

If I want the best results

Patrika Williamson

I Wish It Were Real

Not knowing but dreaming

Is interesting

I dreamed again

That I had met someone

I have these dreams

Every now and then

I’ll be talking to a guy

Who is really nice

I’ll feel so comfortable

In front of him

And we’ll just get along

Very well

I can’t wait until this happens

In my waking life

I really want to meet

The right guy

The only other thing I remember

Is getting free lunch

At school

And some other

School related things

Maybe a graduation too

But the meeting stuck out

Since it’s something

I really want to happen

But on it’s own

Not forced

Or brought on

By a dating app or site

I told God I gave up on that for good

And now I’m just hoping

He’ll come through

Patrika Williamson

 

My Highlights

I waited for hours

At the doctor today

I was reminded of how

I hate to go

Since my doctor is so busy

And is always running late

All this for a five minute visit

But I wish I could find a new one

It’s just very difficult

They either don’t take my insurance

Or their not accepting new patients

Man

I wish I could go where I wanted

It’s across town

Damn

All of this because I have to be on meds

I can’t function without them

I spent about like three hours there

But when I came home

My kittens missed me

They even waited for me to take a bath

And Venus got so cozy with me

I was shocked

She never cuddles with me

I couldn’t believe it

I rarely ever see her during the day

It was truly the highlight of mine

Patrika Williamson

The Beach

I just thought about

Being at the beach right now

And how it’s different

On the west coast

The water is ice cold

So when you step in

It freezes your toes

You have to get used to the temp

Since it’s not like the warm beaches

I miss it though

Since I live inland

And the beach is a bit far

But I want to plan a trip this year

Maybe my family and I could go

On a weekend

I see commercials for the water parks too

But the beach is free

Or at least a local lake maybe

I don’t’ know why I never bring it up

But it’s so hot indoors

When the temp is hotter

Than it is outside

And you feel like you’re being fried

I need some sea air

And I love just getting close

When the temp drops

At the coast

And you can see the sea

From the street

Parking may be a nightmare

But it’s all worth it

To go to the beach

Patrika Williamson

Summer Heat

When will it be cool again

I don’t remember

Spending so much time

In my hot room

Every year

I happen to live in a part of town

Where it’s hotter

Even though I’m in a coastal city

It seems be be a dry heat

Plus there’s no AC

So we rely on fans mostly

For now it’s just alot of hot air

Blowing around

We can’t even use the stove

Cold drink are amazing

When it’s like this

I like slurpees

But ice cream is good too

I just hope this summer

Moves by quickly

I don’t mind the cold

Patrika Williamson

Daily Life

Cooped up in my room these days

But I was able to rest

Not that I need alot

But I do

And I still have my routine

At night

Before I go to bed

I read and write

And I also prayer

Right before I got to bed

I also lost all of my frogs

I don’t know what happened

They all just died one by one

I don’t know if it was the heat or what

And interesting thing I dreamed about

The other day

Was that I was in high school again

But this time

My brother and I

Were running away from a

Group of actors

Who had gone crazy

And were beating up everybody severely

But I woke up before they caught us

It surprised me that I was with my brother

The fact that I was running away meant

I’m trying to get out of a situation

Helping him now that he is in prison

May be one of them

It may sound cruel

But he has done some pretty bad things in his life

And the fact that he is in prison now

Is no mistake

I just don’t think there’s much I can do to

Get him out of serving a long sentence

Patrika Williamson

I Need Some Positiveness

Spent a bit of time out of the house

Still hot though

My kitten Apollo was so hot yesterday

That he stayed in the living room all night

Practiced a bit of guitar yesterday

Wrote a complete song

About praying to God

I never thought I could do it

But it all came together

At one time

And I just hope it doesn’t sound too negative

But I did it though

Quicker than the first song I wrote

I actually used some of the melodies

I had already come up with

To make it easy

I think I should keep writing

Pain is what drives me

And tomorrow is Sunday

So that means I need to go back to church

Hopefully it will perk me up

I need some positivity in my life now

Patrika Williamson

Inspired to Compose

I was thinking about

Writing another song

I’m feeling down again

And I used to only write

When I was depressed

I plan to go to prayer

In the morning

Maybe stop for breakfast

And I need to return to church

This Sunday

It’s up to me to make it

But it’s been weeks since I’ve gone

So I need to drown myself

In the Lord

Church usually perks me up

I found out that I’ve actually

Lost a few pounds

I haven’t been eating as much

Which is good

But if I want to see a real difference

I need to go back to the gym

Still hot

But I’ve gotten a bigger fan

And all of my frogs are dying

I don’t know if I’ll replace them

Since they’re dropping fast

I still need to focus on my kittens

Who are experiencing their first summer

And mostly sleep in cool places

Patrika Williamson

 

 

Getting Older

I remember a song by America

It refers to lonely people

It just came to my mind at the moment

I tend to write alot about being lonely

And how it affects me

Each day I hope I will meet the man of my dreams

As my faith decreases

I wonder what will happen to me

I get older and heavier

But luckily I don’t age

I have a few grey hairs

Growing out of my head

It’s just weird

I never pictured myself

Being this old and never ever

Being in love

Not even one boyfriend

Sure I’ve dated

But the guys never really

Seemed to like me

So what does happen

To lonely people like me

There has to be like so many

I go to church

I pray

I wonder what God has in store for me

I read one day that some people chose to stay single

But I never did

And I never would willingly

I can’t say I have any experiences

That would make me shy away

From settling down

And I look at my brother

With all of the his issues

And he’s managed to always have a girlfriend

And was even married briefly

But me the quiet one

Has never had experience with

Any of those things

I know I should not be jealous

Or envious

But it makes me wonder

What have I done

So wrong that has brought me

To this stage in my life

Am I not friendly enough

Or not cool enough

What

I don’t know

I just wonder if I’ll just get old

And never know

Patrika Williamson

Feeling Good

Still eagerly awaiting my results

From last nights event

I thought about it

And even if I don’t get any matches

I’ll be OK

Because God will never leave me

I know that as long as I believe in him

He will answer my prayers

I was so devastated the last time I went

And didn’t get any matches

So even if I haven’t met the right guy

Maybe he’ll come along one day

And be perfect in every way

It took a lot for me to get to this point

I know God never disappoints

And with enough faith

It will turn into a miracle

So other than that

I’ll focus on myself

And finding the right job

Which I’m also hoping

I’ll stumble upon

So I am doing a bit better

And don’t feel as low

As I was the other day

Patrika Williamson

Speed Dating

Just came home from an event

It was fun

But it ended so sudden

I didn’t get to meet all of the guys

I actually found a few cool ones

Who had similar interests

Or ones that were interesting

I hated having to yell

Over all the noise though

And having to narrow down my likes on a card

Two of the guys I picked

Had the same name

But I’m crossing my finger that

I made a match

I had to write down my top five

But if I match all five

Do I get all their emails

Or just the first one

How does this work anyway

I should have asked

I did make it home though

And it’s hotter inside than out

But I’m home

So now I need to get some rest now

Patrika Williamson

 

 

Tomorrow

I’m feeling a little better today

Got out of the house briefly

I even pulled out my guitar

And strummed a little

The event I was going to

Is still on for tomorrow

I had a positive dream

About it last night

In the dream I met someone

And they were really nice

I guess I can’t get it off my mind

But I am going to leave extra early

And giving myself plenty of time to get ready

I just hope it goes well

I’ve been praying about it lately

And wanting everything to go well

It’s all about being comfortable

And myself

If there’s even one match

It will be worth it

Patrika Williamson

 

A Low

I don’t know why

I must be having a low

I don’t want to go anywhere

I haven’t been to church in a few weeks

And I don’t want to even leave my room

I guess I’m one of those people

Who can’t handle change

As hot as it is

I just stay in my pajamas

I still haven’t cleaned my room

What has shut me down

Is it not having anything to do

No routine

Disappointments

Or something more

Something is really bothering me

I just want to pull myself out quick

I don’t know how though

I need a spark

Or a jolt to the system

Something that breaks me out of this

But what

Hopefully it will end soon

Patrika Williamson

Something Catchy

Losing thunder

But upbeat after making another melody

On my guitar yesterday

I thought when I first started learning

That it would be years

Before I’d be writing anything

The book I read on writing

Didn’t teach me anything

I just play around

And though I struggled

Staying on beat

And changing chords

I can’t see that problem anymore

But I want to write lyrics too

The important thing is getting

The melodies down on paper

So I can tweak and play them again

It’s fun playing

And it’s my new favorite hobby

I may not be able to play many classics

But to be able to come up with something

That’s catchy is an amazing gift in itself

Patrika Williamson

 

One Day

Looks like I’m going to make it

The speed dating event is next week

And I’m ready to have some nice conversation

I don’t really get a chance to meet new people

And I would like to

Even though it is difficult

I’m not a club person

Or any good at online dating

So I don’t have a social life

I just hope to meet someone nice

Who is looking for the same things

That I am

Someone who is mature

And not looking for a one night stand

Or something that’s casual

I don’t like praying about it daily

Since God has heard me

Each time I cried

But I feel like I’m going to burst

If I have to be single for the rest of my life

And there’s no sign of any good guys

I wanna write a love song someday

And about the happiness that it has brought me

I lack that inspiration at the moment

And only sing about being lonely

When will my day ever come

That I can say

I’m truly happy and not alone

Patrika Williamson

Tiny Veins

Went to get my blood work today

What a nightmare

Since I have tiny veins

It runs in the family

And prevents me from giving blood

Or having a normal blood test

The tech fished and fished

While moving the needle around

In my arm

It can get pretty painful

And then as he told me I needed to

Drink six glasses of water

A miracle happened

Blood started flowing through

The tube

I was happy

He didn’t have to poke me again

And he filled all of the vials

I’m not the type of person to feel faint

Or not be able to stand the sight of blood

But when someone can’t find your veins

It can be stressful

Them poking you in different places

And then other people trying as well

I remember once it took like three people

Before they could find my veins

Be grateful if you have big veins

That you can easily see

Because if you’re like me

A blood test isn’t easy

Patrika Williamson

Writing to Feel Better

Writing is like breathing to me

I have to do it everyday

I just like to put my thoughts on paper

It’s like talking for me

I don’t talk very much

So writing daily is important

I remember writing in my first diary

In fourth grade

But I didn’t get to the creative side

Until I was a teenager

I wrote poems and songs

And things just came out so easily

When I was depressed

I used it as an escape

Instead of talking it over

With anyone

It turned into stories

I’d get an idea

And write it down

I’ve been writing ever since I was a child

And always have the passion

To write out my feelings

It can be therapeutic for me

And I feel better doing it

Patrika Williamson

Job Seeking

Found a job listing

That looked cool

Well actually a few

But I really

Want to try

Working from home this time

Since I wouldn’t have to worry about

Getting to work on-time

Or being around a lot of people

I know that if I work towards it

I will be able to find a real job

I can be a very determined person

It is possible

My cousin has had many jobs at home

In the past

And I have the right equipment

But the reward will be

Working again

And bringing in money

I don’t mind being busy

Since I’m more comfortable at home

Patrika Williamson

d

Children and Medication

I didn’t make it to church today

But did see my niece and nephew

Today was my nephew’s birthday

He hugged me after we gave him his gifts

It was really nice to see them again

I don’t get to visit them so

These times are rare

But being with my younger niece can be challenging

My Mom wants to put her on meds

She has learned from other parents

That they have been medicating their children

She’s only five though

She has a friend though who was medicated

And it really helped her

Because she was becoming very aggressive

I know there’s a debate about medicating kids

But what else do you do

When kids get out of control

My Mother doesn’t believe in spanking

And taking away privileges doesn’t work

She just yells and throws things

And her older sister who’s twelve is much worse

There are times when even punishment doesn’t work

But their father

My younger brother

Had to have meds

He was emotionally disturbed

They aren’t however

But when they sometimes mimic his behavior

It makes you want to have something

To help them mind

I’m not against it

But I don’t know what it’s like

I didn’t start taking anything myself

Until I was an adult

But I wished that I had been put on something

As a child for my depression and anxiety

Maybe I would have been a different person entirely

Patrika Williamson

Hobbies

Made it out today

And enjoyed getting fresh air

Also practiced guitar yesterday

Sounding better everyday

Tweaked the song I wrote

Using a capo

And looking forward to

Recording myself playing again

It still sounds funny when I sing though

I just can’t hit the right notes

I still think learning to play

An instrument is a cool hobby to have

And when you suffer from mental illness

They are a great distraction

Whether it be

Depression or anxiety or schizophrenia

I suffer from all three

So it’s good to keep myself busy

Other stuff like just cleaning up

And doing things that require thinking

Are a good way to escape

It’s a trick to keep your mind

Off of the pain

But whatever I do

It’s better than just sitting around

And worrying about life

Patrika Williamson

Oddball

I had so many more dreams

Of being teased in school

What is wrong with me

I even was in detention

Was introduced to new voices

Well yesterday

And they all expressed hatred for me

That’s like the in thing for them

It’s hard when you’re fragile like me

I didn’t grow up with a lot of encouragement

So I’m used to feeling like the oddball

I just kept to myself

And didn’t really talk alot

And I was the mysterious one

No one knew a lot about me

Only that I was quiet

And not very friendly

To this day I’m still that way

But since I don’t have a job

And not in school at the moment

I just take up solace in my room

But it isn’t a big deal

It has a comfortable feel

Patrika Williamson

Flying In My Sleep

I was flying in my dream

It was weird

I was in the air

But I couldn’t get very high

I was scared I’d hit the power lines

So I flew low

I kept wanting to go around them

But couldn’t

And I was just entering 12th grade

In high school

I was needing to empty my locker

Since it was about to be summer

And I didn’t get all the stuff out

But I had another school lined up

To go for senior year

I can’t remember all the details

But I felt unwelcome at the new school

In my waking life

I feel funny about my Mom losing her storage space

I had stuff there that was valuable

And I don’t know if I’ll lose them

But that’s probably what

Losing the stuff in my locker meant

The flying dream wasn’t a positive experience

I felt that I was holding myself back

Because of fear

I suffer from anxiety

And it keeps me from being open and friendly

It was an interesting way to see it

Patrika Williamson

 

Teased in My Dreams

My dreams today were strange

I made wisecracks to get out of

Being teased

It was so weird

I went to camp

Was picked at

On the ride home

I did stand up for myself

And there was even a gun fight

Between the cops and a bystander

For some reason I got on the ground

Like they were shooting at me

I remember one of the voices asking me

Why didn’t I just run

I don’t know

I guess I was just scared

All that bullying and being scared

Of getting hurt probably relates to

Me not being able to stand up for myself

Which always happens in my life

I feel like I never speak up

And just let things happen to me

 

Continuing Education

Darn

The speed dating event was canceled

I was ready too

Had a new black dress to wear

I washed my hair

It was going to be great

And I was going to leave extra early

To get parking

Since I had no idea what it would be like to park

Downtown at night at a nightclub

But I rescheduled and hopefully

They won’t cancel their event again

Well hopefully something good

Will come out of this

I decided to go back to school again

To learn to make apps

I tried it on my own

But I think I’d do better in a class

So when it’s time to enroll again

I will sign up and go

There’s an excellent continuing education school

And they have all sorts of programs

That are tuition free

I just need to get myself there

I don’t  have to worry about financial aid

I just hope I can make it through

Since on my own I couldn’t get the hang of it

Patrika Williamson

School Dreams

All of my dreams last night

Had to do with school

A secret play was rehearsed

In the cafeteria

I helped during the lunch rush

And I was picked at during home room

I don’t know if that means

I really have an attachment to school

Or what

It’s just a reminder

Of how much school played a big

Part in my life

Several years back

But now it doesn’t

And while I’ve had many jobs in my life

I’ve never obsessed over them

But school is a big deal I guess

If I guessed

The home room dream

Was about being picked at and bullied

Which has always been a constant for me

Even in adulthood

And the secret play

Maybe had to do with my life

Being so closed to everyone else

I don’t socialize very much or have friends

So my life goes on

While only my family knows

Patrika Williasmon

 

Fatherless

To me growing up without a father

Left a hole in my mind and heart

No one to show me how to fight

Or tell me how much they love me

Just the love of one parent

My Mother

I wondered why he left

Why didn’t he care

To pop in my life

To support me

To show me what’s right

There was always something missing

My Mother could never make up for it

She did the best she could

But when he walked out of our lives

It wasn’t any easier

What is it like to have a dad in your life

I’ll never know what that’s like

I can’t even say I love him

Having never known him

Or tell him in person

I just wonder if he knows

How much he missed out on

Watching me blossom

And grow from a child to a woman

Now I’m old enough to be a mother

And I pray that I won’t have to raise my children

Without their father

Patrika Williamson

My Sanctuary

My appetite is totally gone

I forgot what that was like

I took two bites of dinner

And couldn’t continue

These new meds have really

Decreased my appetite

I was so stressed today

But I was able to de-stress

By going in my room

And watching a bit of TV

I forgot about everything

Wow my room really settles me

Even if it is totally messy

I did successfully clean out

My closet

Or at least many of the clothes

I no longer wear or can’t fit

And now I need to finish

By clearing the floor

If I could just buckle down

Like I did with my closet

I would be able to have a room

I could be happy to stay in

Patrika Williamson

 

Two or More People

An odd thing that I’ve noticed

About me

Is that I not only can’t talk

To multiple people

I also have trouble

Talking to more than two

At one time

I freeze up

Nothing comes out of my mouth

It’s been a struggle my whole life

I don’t know why I can’t

Talk to people

But when you’re like this

It’s hard to make friends

Or maintain them

One on one

Is fine for me

But talking with two or three

Group settings are out for me

It’s not like I can turn it off or pretend

That I’m the uncomfortable one

I’m fine on the phone though

It’s amazing I made it through school

It wasn’t a fun place to be

And no one has ever addressed it with me

I wish there was something I could do

Patrika Williamson

Kickstart

Dieting isn’t as easy as I thought

Just like the many other times

I ended up cheating

But I can’t be too harsh

The diet food I bought

Didn’t taste too good

The smoothies tasted like medicine

And the soups made me sick

I only eat the protein bars now

And try to have a small meal

But I tend to eat less than I should

And I still haven’t gone back to the gym

The good thing is

I don’t have the huge appetite that I did

But I have yet to start my gym routine

Like in the past

If I could just incorporate that into my day

It would make a big difference

And it wouldn’t be as bad if I cheated

Because I could burn it off

And get toned in the process

I don’t know why I can’t get up

In the morning anymore

I did it for school

And if I go back to work

I’ll have to wake up for that

I just need a kick in the right direction

Patrika Williamson

Keeping the Faith

Finally started looking for work

Maybe things will look up for me

And not only will I be working again

But maybe I’ll finally have a special friend too

I don’t know how my life will play out

Nor do I ever know what will happen

But many times I take a chance and it works out

Hence looking for work

I know that blessings come

When we least expect them

And just living my life

Brings good things to me

But I pray too

More for my family than myself

I just hope I will be able to

Find what’s right for me

For now I’ll keep praying

Patrika Williamson

Working and Symptoms

Cleaning up my room

Is harder than I thought

I started yesterday

And still working at it today

But I’ve made room in my closet

And when I’m done

I’ll clean my floor

Which I want to be able to see again

And just seeing something

That I did myself

And finished completely

Is a reward in itself

I also would like to

See about finding a nice

Job I can do at home

My cousin gave me some ideas

But sifting through the scams

And the real deal listings

Can take time

But when it comes to finding a job

That doesn’t ask for

Your life history

And is steady

Seems challenging

I was never the type of person

To easily find a job

I’m not sure what I want to do yet

But hopefully I can stick with it

I need something to keep me busy

I know a job isn’t just to keep busy

But I haven’t been able to keep one

Long enough to be independent

And since I’ve become ill

It seems out of reach

So I need to make sure it’s something

That I can still do

Even with my symptoms

Patrika Williamson

Being Social

I got a new dress

For next week

I talked to my cousin yesterday

And she canceled

So I have to go by myself

I’ll be wearing a black dress

I hope I look nice

I’m no gonna worry too much about it

But I’m hoping I will at least make a new friend

I’ve never gone to an event downtown

So hopefully I’ll meet someone cool

And my age too

I’m not super nervous

I just cross my fingers

I’ll make at least one match

After having an extra ticket

The company didn’t allow refunds

But they did say I could use it

For another event so

If things don’t work out

I can go again

But I trust God

To find me the right man

I know I shouldn’t go out

Seeking anyone

Since I will only let myself down

But I’m curious to see what comes of

A speed dating event

And if I can have fun going out

Something that I rarely ever do

It’s not like I’m partying

Or going out drinking

Just talking to people

And maybe making a connection

It’s easier for me to speak to people one on one

Since when I’m in crowded places

I don’t have the courage to spark up conversation

With people I may come across

So this is the perfect setting

I’ve always been like this

And never knew why

Patrika Williamson

 

That Negative Voice

I feel good after going to church

Church was empowering

The pastor had a panel of women speak

And the guest speaker

Mentioned that we have a negative voice

That tells us bad things

And makes us feel like we’re no good

Man for me it’s like so many

But they were referring to the devil

Who puts lies in our head

And makes us sin

Plus so many other things

I remember thinking

Man I have to battle so much negativity

And the voices I hear don’t sound like the devil

Or some little voice that I can barely hear

These are loud and clear

And they sound like regular people

The sound like people you know

Maybe your mother or a friend

And every day I hear them

The only thing I can do is fight back

And say what you say isn’t true

You can’t beat me down

Or make me agree with you

So it’s a struggle

Day to day

Hearing them

And trying not to scream

To make them go away

I have to be my own cheer team

Patrika Williamson

Am I Too Hard On Myself?

I was feeling a bit weird

About how I talk to the voices

And wrote in my journal about it

Then I wondered how God felt about it

I had an interesting dream

I was blessed with an abundance

I think they were little fish

But I didn’t know what to do with them

So I fed them to animals

If this was a special answer to my question

Than I am not looking at the big picture

I am blessed

Even if I hear voices

I feared that I was being too harsh

To these people who claim

They will never leave me

And I was worried

That God would be mad at me

For not treating them with the utmost respect

But as I wrote in my journal last night

I thought of all the times

I feared for my life

I thought everyone on earth

Hated me

I couldn’t even eat or drink

I just totally shut down

Because these same people

Who kept feeding me lies

I almost died

And was in the hospital

For a while

It’s not something

You’d wish on anybody

So maybe I shouldn’t be too harsh

As I didn’t bring that on myself

And today they said I deserved to be

Under hell

How can one individual

Be made out to be so horrible

I tend to be harsh on myself

While they wait in line

To make me feel even worse

It’s so easy for me to confuse myself

God loves me no matter what

And for some reason

I’m still hung up about them

There isn’t a pill I can take for this

Patrika Williamson

DIY Ghost Hunting

I have been wanting to

Do some testing around the house

My Mom has told me

That she has witnessed

Some strange things

I just happen to believe in ghosts

But I want to try

Late at night when it’s quiet

The most recent thing my Mom saw

Was her drink coming up through her straw

By itself

Years ago she told me that my nieces crib

Jumped up and down

I’ve never seen anything

Supernatural happen in the home

But I looked on Google Play

And they have ghost hunting apps

I downloaded EVP since

They use those

On the ghost hunting shows

I also got an EMF reader

After what I’ve

Experienced in my life

I don’t feel like any activity

Will scare me

So I’m ready to go

Patrika Williamson

Fighting Zombies

It was empowering

In my dreams last night

I was fighting zombies

For a group of women

They were all male

But at the end

I found out

That the army of women

I was fighting with

Were protecting the children

And wounded who were left

I had skills

I was only working with a shield and joist

And on an injured foot

But I did it

I like being a hero in my dreams

But it made me feel a bit lonely

The men were scarce

That weren’t afflicted

The zombies symbolize thought

And how I am trying to impress others

I tend to look for acceptance

And maybe this was me

Fighting to be myself

I guess even though

I want to be different

I still feel like I am being punished

By not feeling popular enough

Patrika Williamson