Holding me Back

Didn’t go out today

Missed church

But I’m finally getting over my cold

My depression symptoms

Have really been bothering me

I wish I could do more

But I’ve been having dreams

About things I wish I could do

It’s really spilling over

I feel like I’m holding myself back

I wish I could do much more

Like live the life I have

But I feel my depression

Is stopping me

I’ve had it bad like this in the past

But usually the anti-depressants help

I don’t know now

Sometimes what I take

Just stops working

And I can’t do anything

Like now

It’s very crippling

I don’t know what will

Bring me out

Patrika Williamson

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Socializing

Woke up with such a bad headache

It took a while

But I was finally OK

Finally tried Grub Hub

They didn’t take too long

And even got a coupon

For President’s day

I don’t know

When I’ll do it again

It gets expensive

I talked to my cousin

For a while

It’s been so long

Since I heard from her

We talked about everything

It was nice

We go through the same things

And she is the only person

I can relate to sometimes

But there were times

When we didn’t relate at all

But her call

Was out of the blue

I just hope she doesn’t think

I’m trying to avoid her

I don’t call her

When I know I should

I don’t really talk to anybody

I just keep to myself

It’s not good

Since I feelĀ  lonely all the time

But I’m not a social person

Patrika Williamson

Voices are a Downer

I am still trying to get over

My cold

But it is bothering my nose

My face hurts

I tried to do some home repairs

But ended up getting the wrong part

Now I have to go back to Home Depot

It’s so huge

It’s not one of my favorite stores

I was in and out of there

But I came home and was lectured

By the voices

For a while now

My depression has been worse

Than my schizophrenia

But today I was told

That I wouldn’t find anybody

I just can’t take it when I’m told

I’ll be single for the rest of my life

I pray so much

For God to send me the right man

I don’t like being single

And having them remind me

It makes me feel even worse

I wanted to cry

It’s a really sensitive subject for me

I’ve never felt so strongly about anything

I just wish I knew

What the future held for me

To be reassured

That everything is going to be alright

Would be nice

Patrika Williamson

Chugging Theraflu

Still sick

Went out though

But splurged

At the grocery store

I guess I was hungry

But since it was

A discount grocery store

I didn’t spend much

This is gonna be a long weekend

My niece is off on Monday

I got some generic Theraflu

Since I like the lemony taste

I prefer it over the cough syrup

I’ve been taking

It’s better than tea

And tastes better

I was never a big fan of

Hot drinks like coffee and tea

Since I always burn my mouth

But I used to chug down Theraflu

Because I like lemons

And it’s easier to take than

Syrup or big pills

Well hopefully when I wake up

I’ll feel a whole lot better

Patrika Williamson

Sick Day

I still have this cold

And I keep sneezing

It’s annoying

I no longer can smell anything

And have a headache again

A weird thing that happens

When I get sick is

After it’s over

I lose my voice for a few weeks

And there’s nothing I can do about it

I just strain to talk

All from a little cold

It may happen again

I remember it happening

Just a few months ago

And not going away for a while

I don’t look forward to it

Happening again

I went out to get something to eat earlier

To take my mind off

My Mom bought me a card

And a gift

It was nice that she got me something

I bought dinner for everyone

I just wish we had cake

I had a sundae

It was the highlight of my day

Patrika Williamson

A Single Valentine

I watched my niece again

After I picked her up from school

I’ve had a cold for the past few days

I just don’t know how I got it

I don’t go out much

Went to the grocery store

It was so busy

Like it was Christmas Eve

I guess people will be

Throwing parties tomorrow

They had so many flowers out

I never thought Valentine’s Day

Was such a big day

But I’ve been seeing people

Set up at every corner with

Gift baskets

It reminds me of how alone I am

It’s not very fun

It’s not that I don’t like Valentine’s Day

But when you are single

You have no one to celebrate it with

I just wish I did for once

It sure would be nice

Patrika Williamson

Cuddling with Cats

Went to the grocery store today

I am glad I got out finally

It wasn’t too hard

I just didn’t want to get out of bed

Because it was cold

And my cat Apollo wanted to cuddle

He usually sleeps with me

At night too

He’s a lot closer to me

Than his sister Venus

I love to hold him

But my Mom is very fond of her

Venus likes to sleep in her room

But when it’s just me in the house

They both cling to me

It’s the only time she will be around me

When they were kittens

They both used to sleep on my chest

It was so cute

They were so much smaller then

But that was a year ago

Now they fight over the best spot

To sleep in

Apollo seems to bully his sister

We always have to break them up

On rare occasions

I’ve spotted them cuddling together

While they were asleep

But usually they sleep separately

Cats are interesting

Patrika Williamson

Dinner Delivered

I didn’t leave the house again

I was at home alone

And got so hungry

I knew that even places like

McDonald’s had delivery

So I ordered a sandwich

From an Italian restaraunt

I am such a bargain hunter

I had to sort through site

After site

Looking for coupons that worked

I ended up ordering from Yelp

There was a place that didn’t charge

A delivery fee

I never found a working coupon though

I really wanted to order from Grubbub

But none of the coupons worked

Then I tried UberEats

They had a five buck coupon

But their delivery fee was

Five bucks too

So I just gave up

I used to get coupons from Yelp

For two bucks off

But I couldn’t find any

It took a while

But I didn’t care

I was just glad to get something

Food delivery is cool

If you don’t care how much

You are going to spend

Patrika Williamson

 

Home Alone

Today was a quiet day

I just stayed home

By myself

And watched some TV

I like it when it’s quiet

But tomorrow is Sunday

And I need to go to church

I think I can do it

I have gotten out

A few days this week already

So I can make it back

And I really like the series

That’s going on now about prayer

It’s weird but

I haven’t practiced guitar

In quite a while

I just haven’t thought about it

And since it was quite today

It would have been perfect

Maybe tomorrow after church

Patrika Williamson

 

Life at Home

I did a bit better today

Even though it took me

A while to get up

I had to babysit my niece

It wasn’t hard though

I have to do it from time to time

I just don’t know what to do

When my niece gets hyper

She gets it from her dad

She loves to play video games

We finally beat

“Super Mario 3D World”

The other day

But it unlocked more levels

So we still play the game

She never gets tired of it

It’s something she looks forward to

Whenever she

Comes home from school

And she’s only five

I think at that age

I just played with dolls

But she does that too

Patrika Williamson

Scaredy Cat

I went out to brunch today

With my Mother

Was stuffed

It was nice getting out

With my Mom

Later my cat Apollo

Got so spooked today

He hid under my Mom’s bed

I had to lure him out to eat

He stayed under there for hours

But I don’t know what he saw

He was in my window

Then suddenly ran out

Him and his sister

Always sit in the window

But it’s a mystery

I don’t know what could have

Scared him so much

He finally came out at night

Since he likes to sleep in my bed

I hugged him and tried to cuddle

But he ended up leaving again

He’s usually the brave one

Out of the two

I hope he’s OK tomorrow

Patrika Williamson

Alternatives

I left the house today

But had trouble getting up

Hopefully I’ll make it to church

It’s just a few more days away

Maybe if I leave the house

Each day it will be easier

Or at least every other day

I don’t know

But that would be a good goal

Or maybe to go back to

The gym or something

Every morning maybe

That would be good for me

And make me healthier

I thought I could work out at home

But I haven’t tried that yet

It’s been so long since I’ve used

My Wii Balance Board

That was nice but I only play games

On my Wii U

It’s a more convenient way

To work out

Now that I think about it

Patrika Williamson

 

 

Making a Goal

For some reason

My headache came back

I don’t know if it’s

What I ate

But I watched a movie

With my Mom

And ate a little more

Than I have been

But I still feel weird

I want to leave the house again

And go to church this weekend

That is my goal

For this week

I don’t want to keep

Missing church every week

I know it is important to

Set goals and keep them

That’s all I want

Is to get out more

And not feel sick

Patrika Williamson

Getting Up

I finally left the house today

A personal triumph

I had to force myself though

But I did it

I got some fresh air

And ran some errands

Thought I couldn’t get out of bed

But did

Feeling better

But not the best

No pain

Nor sign of queasiness

Like the last few days

Just the lowness

I just want to get up

Maybe to practice guitar

With a new songbook

I got one today

But didn’t play

This one looks easy

It’s called “Simple Songs”

Or something

But I have to try

And not do nothing

Patrika Williamson

Going up then Down

The difference between

Being healthy and depressed

With life you wanna live

Depression means

No motivation to live life

I wanna sleep more

I don’t wanna eat

Just no interest in anything

I wish my meds would work

But I’ve been in this place before

When I was waiting for my CPAP machine

I felt great after I started using it

But now I feel I’ve gone downhill

I didn’t make it to church today

I have to push myself tomorrow

It’s just about pushing myself

So I can get out and do things

That are important

I have to push through life

And try to keep up

It’s a struggle

Patrika Williamson

Another Day

My headache finally went away

But I still feel weird

I don’t know why

I want to go out tomorrow

For church

So I can finally leave the house

I just need to run an errand afterwards

But I hope I can do it

I didn’t eat a lot today

I want to keep this up

Haven’t weighed myself

In a while though

I just want to lose something

And feel better

I guess I’m a bit scared

That my weight isn’t going anywhere

When you want to lose weight

But don’t have the will power

What do you do

Patrika Williamson

 

Depression Still

I noticed that

My depression has come back

I wake up with a slight headache

Every morning now

And still haven’t left the house

I just don’t know if I’m wearing

My mask too tight or what

I thought I was fine

But I need to get out of the house

And haven’t left the house

In a few days

I need to for church on Sunday

So hopefully by then

I will be feeling better

I fell asleep without my mask

Last night

And woke up in the middle of the night

Then put it on

I guess that’s why I couldn’t

Get out of bed today

I can’t believe

I reverted back so quickly

I hope that doesn’t happen again

But the depression is real

It still hasn’t gone away

Despite the mask

And a change in meds

Patrika Williamson

My Sanctuary

I practiced more Beatles

I’m focusing on “Nowhere Man”

I want to sound smoother

Oddly enough I haven’t gotten out

The last few days

I don’t feel depressed

But I want to do more

I just don’t have much

To do these days

I want to get one of the speakers

Replaced in my car

But won’t have much money

This month

Music is so important to me

I have to always have it playing

When I’m driving

I guess it just calms me

I used to get really nervous

When I drove

But I don’t drive with anyone else

In my car

That also makes me nervous still

I just drive alone

And sing along to the music

I guess besides my room

It’s my sanctuary

I have to escape

Patrika Williamson

My Mother’s Pain

I went out today

But didn’t get around to practicing

I did a little shopping

And then came home

But I haven’t been able to

Visit the gym yet

My Mother has been

Having pains lately

She has chronic pain

And it was caused by

A car accident years ago

It’s gotten worse over

The years and been in different places

She gets a lot of migraines too

I couldn’t imagine

Living with chronic pain

It is crippling to my Mother

She has tried numerous things

Over the years

Including pain medication

But never surgery

She has been having

A lot of knee pain lately

I always pray for her pains

To go away

I just wish she could be healed

Patrika Williamson

 

Working Out

Didn’t leave the house today

Trying to keep a routine

Of guitar practice

I didn’t feel too depressed

But starting new meds tomorrow

I will finally get off of what

Gave me so many side effects

I hope what I will be taking now

Won’t affect me too much

I want to go back to the gym

And try to get healthy

If I go back with my Mom

Maybe I can start going

A few times a week

I found out that I can stay on

The elliptical for an hour

And it burns way more calories

Than walking on the treadmill

But for some reason my feet

Kind of fall asleep

If I’m on it that long

So I usually would do thirty minutes

A good workout did make me feel good

I just hope I can see some results

Patrika Williamson

 

 

 

The Way to Learn to Play Guitar

I practiced more Beatles songs today

I almost sound kinda close

When I play

But since I don’t know all of the chords

I have to play slow

Still it’s nice

Because I can remember the songs

So I know what I’m supposed to

Sound like

When I play unknown songs

It’s harder

So I stick to classic rock

From my favorite artists

I played “Nowhere Man” today

I keep trying to play “Michelle”

But it doesn’t sound right

Even when I put on the capo

And move up and down

The frets like it says

It’s very challenging

I try to stay away from songs

With too many chords

But songs like “Love Me Do”

Are very simple

Some of the songs I never

Heard of

So I don’t try them

Since I don’t know what

They are supposed to

Sound like

But the book I have

Has every Beatles song

It’s a nice book called

“The Beatles Complete Chord Songbook”

If anyone would like to practice guitar

And would like to learn some familiar songs

Then this book is for you

Patrika Williamson

 

Guitar Practicing

Made it to church

The pastor’s series on prayer

Is really good

He’s so thorough

I got home and practiced guitar

Finally

I need to do it everyday

I challenged myself

And tried to play

“Can’t help falling in love”

By Elvis Presley

It’s different because

Instead of strumming

You have to do what’s called

Finger picking

When I tried it the other day

I couldn’t get it

But this time I was a little bit better

I tried to remember how

The original song went

Which was slow

And I plucked each string

But you have to change chords

As you do it

It will get easier as I practice

I also went through

My Beatles song book

And played a few of my favorites

I really want to practice more

Till I sound like a pro

Patrika Williamson

My Mother’s Birthday

Today was my Mom’s birthday

So I scrambled around and got

Her everything

But we usually don’t have big blowouts

And my brother’s ex

Brought over my niece and nephew

So my Mom got to see them too

We hadn’t seen them in a few months

My Mom even got to see her new baby

My Mom loves babies

I haven’t had any unfortunately

I had to go to my room after a while

I sometimes get nervous

When I’m around several people

Some social settings I can handle

But when it’s close

I can’t

Family gatherings were always a challenge

Growing up

We’d go to my Grandmother’s house

And have a big dinner every holiday

I wouldn’t talk and just sat to myself

I never knew what it was

I guess it was bad anxiety

But it wasn’t until adulthood

When I was finally diagnosed with it

I had such a traumatic childhood

Patrika Williamson

 

CPAP Fixed now for Practice

I made a few adjustments

By tightening my straps

Around my head

And it was so tight

That my mask stayed on all night

Problem solved

Later I went through the songs

In my More Simple Songs book

It had tabliture

Strumming patterns and chords

The songs looked complicated at first

But I was able to play “California Dreamin'”

I’d love to play “I can’t help falling in love with you”

But it involves fingerpicking

And the timing is different

It makes me want to go back to that

Beatle songbook that I bought

A while back and try some of them

It’s easier to play a song

That you are familiar with

You can sing along

You know the melody

And how it should sound

So you’re not in the day.

So it’s gonna have to be simple

If I haven’t heard of it

Patrika Williamson

CPAP Blues

Had a rough night

My CPAP mask wouldn’t stay on

So I kept waking up

By the morning I couldn’t stay up

Just like before

But I got out of the house today

I just hope tonight I can get it to stay on

I’ve only had it for a month or two

And can’t get the mask to work

The straps are velcro

And the hooks that connect to the mask

Are made of plastic and don’t snap

So they’re not sturdy

But it’s the only thing

That keeps me going

So I should just try and make do

Patrika Williamson

Guitar Playing and Creating

I’m looking forward to

Getting some songbooks

I figured

I didn’t need to keep buying

Guitar instructional DVDs

I know the basics

Like tuning and chords

And strumming and sorts

I just want to start playing now

And come up with new melodies

And words to go with them

But the challenging thing

Is not knowing how to sing

Once I come up with a new tune

I wish I could sing it too

But it doesn’t stop the creative flow

It’s fun to create without having to know

Much about music

I used to play the piano

But not that well

A song or two

But nothing too

Complicated

Now I’m making up new songs

On my guitar

I never knew I could do it

Patrika Williamson

Childhood Trauma

Finally saw a doctor today

After being at the clinic all morning

After talking to a social worker

I was reminded of how traumatic

My life was growing up

I lived through abuse

Not by a parent

But by my younger brother

I kind of down-played it

As I described it

To the social worker

But abuse is abuse

I’ve been hit

I’ve been threatened

Maybe that’s why I have problems

Forming relationships

Plus I’m always nervous

I can recall times when

I thought he might kill me

I was just so scared

It was hard to get away from him

The only thing that separates us now

Is that he’s in prison

We’re still in contact though

Although the abuse stopped

Years ago

I still have trouble severing ties

Patrika Williamson

Coping

Left the house today

I feel a bit better

It’s amazing

I’m down to just 4 pills a day

I still haven’t had a breakdown

Aside from my depression

I thought it would be much worse

Running out of meds I mean

I finally get to go to the doctor tomorrow

Well if I’m lucky enough to get called in

They go by need

And not first come first served

Like most walk-in clinics are

I hope they can see me

So I can get something that will

Take away my appetite

My weight is slowly climbing

Hopefully my new doctor will be good

I don’t know where else I can go

Well the hospital

But I dread that

I’m always scared when I’m there

So many patients

And you have no idea

Why they’re there

But as long as I have my CPAP

I’ll be OK

Patrika Williamson

Tuning into God

Despite feeling down

I dragged myself to church today

Had a little trouble

Getting into it

But the sermon was good

It was about prayer

And setting prayer goals

I didn’t know it could be so complicated

I liked it but

Now I need to rethink how I pray

And that’s really important

At one point the pastor

Gave an example of all the excuses we make

About not having enough faith

Well actually I forgot

But I felt like he was describing me

It was so weird

He named all of my fears

I do pray every night

But after listening to this sermon

I will start setting aside a time in the morning

For prayer and listening

Like he suggested

One of the things I’m guilty of is talking

Asking for things and not listening

To what God has to say

It’s not all about me when I pray

It’s about speaking to God

And making a connection

Filtering out all the static

Well the pastor used the radio

As an example

We tune in to what we want to hear

But if we really try

We can hear God speaking to us

Well I really am glad I made it to church today

Patrika Williamson

 

Dreams

Looking towards the future

Is hard to me

When I have so many dreams

There are so many things

I want out of life

But I’ve only asked for them

So many times

I can be upbeat

But it’s not so easy

I just go through life thinking

That one day

It will all go my way

I have dreams

That life will be easy

Of course it’s not

It’s one thing to dream

And another to have the real thing

Why do I have to wait for nothing

I’m not beat down

Just reflecting

It’s hard to be happy

When my dreams aren’t reality

It’s not the same as depression

In my opinion

I can get out of bed

I can live

It’s just hard to grin

It doesn’t last

Not my CPAP

Not the meds

Nothing

I just continue to dream

Of the most simplest things

Patrika Williamson

 

Back to Where I Started

Went to the clinic today

And shopped afterwards

It’s weird that I ended up

Going to the same place I went to

Years ago

I’ll be seeing a different doctor though

I have to go back again next week

It’s a special clinic

That even takes people without insurance

They also have resources as well

I remember they helped me get insurance

But I stopped going there since

I didn’t like my doctor

Or having to see a nurse afterwards

They were convenient though

They’re located

Just a few miles from where I live

Now I’m wondering if they can help me

With housing

I don’t know if I qualify though

I’m assuming there’s a waiting list as well

I’ve only lived on my own briefly

But had to move back home

Because I couldn’t afford it

I’d like to live in one of those

Government subsidized places

But they’re hard to get into

And now that I have my cats

I don’t know if there are any that accept pets

It’ll be challenging

Patrika Williamson

 

Refrain

I wrote a few songs

But no music

I have melodies

But no words

It’s like a puzzle

Connecting the pieces

I’d love to come up with something complete

But it’s difficult since I can’t sing

The music just sounds right

But I can’t sing along

Since I’m off key

Curse my voice

Still haven’t found the right key

To play in

If I could find the right one

I could sound a bit alright

When I play

I move my capo back and forth

But it doesn’t help

I wanted to play again today

Looking for the right notes

And words to say

Patrika Williamson

Living, Cleaning, and Guitar Playing

Found a new clinic

Practiced guitar

And cleaned some more

Going to the clinic tomorrow

Hopefully they’re better than

My current doctor

Made up some new melodies on my guitar

That was pretty cool

No new lyrics though

I didn’t want to put my guitar down

I ended up having to since my niece

Wanted to play video games

She loves Super Mario 3D World

And only plays that these days

My room is still in construction

Cleared away alot of stuff

But it mostly needs organizing

More than anything

The floor is what needs clearing

But I still see some improvment

Compared to what it looked like before

Patrika Williamson

 

Grateful

I can’t believe how long I felt down

I was chronically affected

By depression

It was worse than my schizophrenia

And schizophrenia has dominated my life

For the last ten years

It’s one thing to have to hear negative comments

But to be void of energy and life

Can stop you from doing basic things

I just couldn’t get out of bed or leave the house

I couldn’t do anything

And now it feels like

I never was ill

I can’t believe the difference

I took a break from posting

Just to get better

Not knowing why I felt so bad

I thought I needed more meds

Or something

But it was my breathing

A health problem caused by being overweight

I do want to slim down this year though

And avoid getting diabetes

Or any other serious health problems

For the doctors to have caught my sleep apnea

I am truly greatful

Patrika Williamson

Still Feeling Good

I left the house again today

Still feeling good

I started cleaning up my room

This isn’t an easy job

But has to be done

Didn’t practice guitar today

But found some how to books

In my room while I was cleaning

Who knows what else I’ll find

I haven’t had this much energy

In a long time

I hate to see myself sick again

I haven’t done anything drastic

Like stop taking my meds

But with my illnesses being

A chemical imbalance

I need meds to keep me stable

Otherwise I don’t feel right

I hope I can stay healthy

And find a new psychiatrist pronto

Patrika Williamson

A High and a Low

I made it back to church today

There was a standup comic

Who was the guest speaker today

I love standup

I felt good finally making it back

I thought about my meds again

Maybe I don’t need to take so many things

I don’t feel any withdrawal

From what I have already ran out of

I have so many complaints about my psychiatrist

Normally when you need a refill

You call the pharmacy

But the doctor’s office doesn’t have a working fax

So I have to call them

And they call the pharmacy when they

Get around to it

Since they don’t usually give refills

And whenever I go in it takes an hour or two

To be seen

It’s always a room full of people waiting

For an office that only has one doctor

He must triple book

Finding a doctor is hard

I have to call around to offices

And they usually aren’t taking new patients

Why are psychiatrist so in demand

I have so many gripes about my doctor

I’m gonna to try again on Tuesday

To see if there is anyone else I can go to

I really need a good one

Patrika Williamson

 

Depression Free

I felt great today

I actually got out of bed and went to church

For morning prayer

What an accomplishment

I don’t know how I did it

I’m running out of meds

And should be going through withdrawal

It’s weird how my depression just disappeared

Maybe one day I can go back to the gym

Or at least clean my room

I didn’t take one nap

I guess I needed to give my CPAP machine

Time to work

I still want to play guitar more often though

I didn’t practice today

But I’m planning to go to church tomorrow too

And not sleep in like usual

My dream of relief from depression

Finally came true

If I could just get a new psychiatrist

The one I have now

Makes me take 12 pills a day

Some with side-effects

Which I totally hate

I’d love to at least get off the meds that

Make me gain weight

Last time that happened I lost 25 pounds

I’m really trying now

I eat tuna on a bed of lettuce for dinner

With some crackers

I really cut it down

From having takeout

I wasn’t leaving the house

So that kind of stopped it though

I encourage those battling depression

And obesity to get tested for sleep apnea

It makes you feel so drained and lifeless

At least that’s what it did to me

But once I got diagnosed

I found that my other mental problems

Weren’t causing this

Now I know

Patrika Williamson

 

 

Strumming Away Blues

Practiced guitar today

Still learning

But found a new way to play

Without sheet music

I bought a DVD from Groupon

It was so old that it came with a cassette tape

And the instructor had a mullet

Still I learned something

I played so hard that my fingers are sore

Playing really relaxes me

Now I’m a little better at playing by ear

And I even felt inspired to write more songs

With this new way I can play

It’s amazing how many songs you can play

With only two fingers and then none

Well they call it open strings

Just strumming is fun

But the instructor never used a pick

That was the only thing that tripped me up

I also saw they had a piano DVD too

I used to play the piano in high school

But it would be cool to learn some songs

The same way

If only I could sing

Patrika Williamson

Making It

I’m so tired these days

I don’t know why

Man if it’s not something

It’s another

Coping these days is becoming

More and more challenging

I’m trying to hang in there but

Mental illness is no joke

I can say I am a survivor

I’ve gone through this before

And somehow made it out alive

I guess I have a strong will

I never gave up when it got difficult

I just hung in there

And eventually I was alright

I was able to live my life

And now it’s happening again

But I’m not at the point where

I want it all to end

Life isn’t always easy

I will make it

I know I can

I just have to remember how strong I am

Patrika Williamson

Weight Loss

I want to lose weight

After seeing the doctor today

And being reminded of my size

The doctor recommended

I lose some weight

I’d love to

But it’s not the easiest thing

My meds have something to do with it

Man if only there were no side-effects

I want to eat so much

But I went to the grocery store today

And got only healthy foods

But I need to add physical activities as well

I usually don’t make resolutions

But I might as well join in and make losing weight mine

For 2018

If only I could keep it up

Then I could be small again

Like I was before I got seriously ill

Patrika Williamson

 

First Rain

It rained so hard today

It finally feels like winter

Well a CA winter

I had been enjoying the warm weather

Which most people love about living here

In other parts it’s snowing like crazy though

Something I’m not use to

I’ve never even seen it snow before

I was in the snow one time in my life

As a child

But never during the time where the snow was falling down

I’d love to see what that’s like

Others probably hate it by now

I just hope the brush fires have been put out

By all the rainy weather

Sometimes the weather effects your mood

But for me I don’t notice

I just dread flooding

Last year I got caught in one

While I was driving

My car almost died

Thank God it didn’t

I am grateful that I have shelter

From all this bad weather

Patrika Williamson

Missing Dad

I can’t be anybody else but me

I was thinking about my dad just now

Wondering why he stopped talking to me

Years ago by some chance encounter

I was able to be reunited with him

After not having him in my life

For most of my childhood

We talked on the phone daily

And I got to meet him as an adult

But only once

After that I don’t know what happened to him

Did I scare him away

Was there something I had not said

Like please stay in my life

Though I could not truly say

That I loved him

Since he is like a stranger to me

I still wanted something

To have him walk me down the aisle

Or to give me advice

I don’t know

Whatever people do with their fathers

I can’t now

He stopped talking to me

Just like when he left my Mother

I couldn’t say stay

And when he never saw me again

I wondered why

Did I do something

Or was he ashamed

Did he think he couldn’t be a dad

A man who would stay

I’m so close to my Mother

I could never imagine not having her

She is the only one I can turn to

I’m just left blaming myself

Like I said something wrong

During one of our many conversations

I wonder how he could ever say

He loved me

If he couldn’t stay in my life

It’s not my fault

He’s a grown man

And has made plenty of bad choices

But maybe I shouldn’t say that

He is still my dad

And the only one I’ll ever have

Patrika Williamon

No Spark

I don’t leave the house much these days

I just stay in bed

Even though I take all of my meds

And use my CPAP machine every night

I still can’t figure out why I have no motivation

To live my life

I remember I’d try to get out of the house every day

And even went to the gym

Now I stay in my pajamas and lay back down

After having breakfast

I wouldn’t say I had a phobia like I have in the past

It’s just weird I guess

When no med will help

What do you do

You can’t pump yourself up with pills

Or therapy

I guess I just don’t like my life

Maybe it’s loneliness

Or something like that

I wonder how am I supposed to meet that special man

I don’t go to church anymore

Or even go out in public

Unless I really have to

I still take care of my cats

But me

I don’t take care of me

I don’t know what the answer is to this

I already take two different anti-depressants

Maybe when I go to the doctor again

I’ll ask for a different anti-depressant

And try to do things different

I don’t know what to do with myself

I just want that spark for life again

Patrika Williamson

What I Really Want

I prayed so hard last night

I wasn’t really trying

But it made me realize what I want

I usually think about the things that I want

In a man

Since I’m single

But this time I realized that it’s not about

The physical aspects like eye color or height

I just thought that the emotional stuff

Like making someone smile

Or waking up next to that special person

It’s a big deal

More than what you see from the outside

And if it never fades away

Than that’s something you can’t buy

Or make up for

If you do happen to

Have someone special in your life

Hold on to them

And never take them for granted

Patrika Williamson

Fighting Depression

Trying to fix things in my life now

The depression that crippled me must be banished

All I’ve done for the past few months is

Stay in bed

I’d sleep through the day

And never go anywhere

But now I have my CPAP machine

I am trying to adjust

Since I have sleep apnea

Now after wearing my mask all night

I wake up in the morning

Wanting to do things

But later going back to bed after having breakfast

It’s a challenge

I need to keep myself busy

In order to discourage sleeping

Even working out with my Wii U Fit

Or something

I don’t know what to do with myself

I’m thankful I’m not suicidal

But I feel like I’ve gone back to overeating

My dreams of being small again like I used to be

In my twenties

Is far from reach

I don’t think I’ll be sporting a bikini

In the summer

But then again I never wore them before

I was always so self-conscience of my body

Even when I was skinny

I am thankful

I’m still youthful

Since no one can tell my real age

I still look like I’m in my twenties

In the face

Patrika Williamson

I’m Baaaack

I’m back after all this time

I hope everyone has enjoyed the holidays

Trying to get to the bottom of things

I had to take a break to find out why

I didn’t want to do anything but lay in bed all day

I’d wake up tired

Have a dry mouth

And had no energy for the day

But after much testing

I was finally diagnosed with sleep apnea

It’s a condition that makes you stop breathing while asleep

I finally got my CPAP machine and wear it every night

I’m still getting adjusted

I’ve been trying other outlets

For self-improvement

Unfortunately I haven’t gone to church as much as I like

Since I’m much more of a shut-in

But I’m trying to change my habits slowly

Patrika Williamson

Stuck

I can’t get out of this

Drought I’m in

And I even missed

My last doctor’s appointment

Another few weeks of this

Not wanting to do anything

Not even eat

Or get out of bed

And do my errands

Is challenging

I just can’t get motivated

And I missed church again

This Sunday

I managed to get out last week

So I guess that’s a good thing

But since it’s so hot

It’s not an easy thing

My fan can only keep it so cool

And I can only do so much in my room

I just don’t want to do anything

Not even watch TV

It’s not the end of the world

But with my experience

Medication can really affect

Your personality

And I don’t want to end up in a hospital

Over this

Patrika Williamson

High School Dreams

I can’t believe

I had another high school dream

But I was trying to take a class

And wanted to go to a second school

Even though I didn’t need to go

No I’m glad I’m just done with it

At one point I saw the lockers

And I saw something inside of them

I wanted to steal it but was too nervous

Me and school go hand and hand

According to my dreams

I can’t believe how obsessed

I am since I dream about it so much

I must feel that my life is a at a standstill

I would like to gain more status in my life

Or have more responsibilities

Patrika Williamson

The Difference Between Them

My kitten Apollo

Is all black

I never believed

That supperstition

That black cats are unlucky

I think they’re beautiful

His sister Venus

Is a Tortoise Shell

I originally thought she was a Calico

Since she is multi-colored

But learned that she isn’t

Because she has no white in her coat

Her hair isn’t slick like her brothers

Kind of coarse

But her brother’s fur is so silky

I love petting him

He even rolled over for me today

And let me rub his belly

There are rare times

When she will let me rub her

But she is way more independent

She latches more onto my Mother

Even though I do everything for them

But if my Mom’s not home

She will cuddle with me

Which I totally love

But when they get big

I’ll miss being able to pick them both up

At the same time

Apollo eats so much

And is already heavier than her

So when they’re grown

He’ll be huge

And she’ll probably stay petite

Patrika Williamson

So Frustrating

I was so angry

In my dream last night

I had just moved into

My college dorm room

And every time I looked

My roommate changed

Everything around

My stuff kept getting moved

I didn’t know why

And then when they told me

Something didn’t work

I would get mad and break stuff

But not purposefully

I’d get really clumsy and break something

It was embarrassing

I was so frustrated

I don’t know why I was dreaming about college

But when I’m angry and frustrated in a dream

I usually am for real

My older niece still practically lives on the couch

She is very rude as well

We can’t even talk around her

It’s one thing to be a rude adult

But to be a rude kid is another

She seems to think that if she is loud enough

She can get her way

And the way she talks

Is as if she thinks she runs the show

If I had my way

She wouldn’t be staying with us

She’s too young to think she’s grown

Unfortunately my Mom isn’t old-school

So a her methods aren’t enough

I just don’t know when she’ll act like

A normal twelve year old

Patrika Williamson