That Negative Voice

I feel good after going to church

Church was empowering

The pastor had a panel of women speak

And the guest speaker

Mentioned that we have a negative voice

That tells us bad things

And makes us feel like we’re no good

Man for me it’s like so many

But they were referring to the devil

Who puts lies in our head

And makes us sin

Plus so many other things

I remember thinking

Man I have to battle so much negativity

And the voices I hear don’t sound like the devil

Or some little voice that I can barely hear

These are loud and clear

And they sound like regular people

The sound like people you know

Maybe your mother or a friend

And every day I hear them

The only thing I can do is fight back

And say what you say isn’t true

You can’t beat me down

Or make me agree with you

So it’s a struggle

Day to day

Hearing them

And trying not to scream

To make them go away

I have to be my own cheer team

Patrika Williamson

Am I Too Hard On Myself?

I was feeling a bit weird

About how I talk to the voices

And wrote in my journal about it

Then I wondered how God felt about it

I had an interesting dream

I was blessed with an abundance

I think they were little fish

But I didn’t know what to do with them

So I fed them to animals

If this was a special answer to my question

Than I am not looking at the big picture

I am blessed

Even if I hear voices

I feared that I was being too harsh

To these people who claim

They will never leave me

And I was worried

That God would be mad at me

For not treating them with the utmost respect

But as I wrote in my journal last night

I thought of all the times

I feared for my life

I thought everyone on earth

Hated me

I couldn’t even eat or drink

I just totally shut down

Because these same people

Who kept feeding me lies

I almost died

And was in the hospital

For a while

It’s not something

You’d wish on anybody

So maybe I shouldn’t be too harsh

As I didn’t bring that on myself

And today they said I deserved to be

Under hell

How can one individual

Be made out to be so horrible

I tend to be harsh on myself

While they wait in line

To make me feel even worse

It’s so easy for me to confuse myself

God loves me no matter what

And for some reason

I’m still hung up about them

There isn’t a pill I can take for this

Patrika Williamson

DIY Ghost Hunting

I have been wanting to

Do some testing around the house

My Mom has told me

That she has witnessed

Some strange things

I just happen to believe in ghosts

But I want to try

Late at night when it’s quiet

The most recent thing my Mom saw

Was her drink coming up through her straw

By itself

Years ago she told me that my nieces crib

Jumped up and down

I’ve never seen anything

Supernatural happen in the home

But I looked on Google Play

And they have ghost hunting apps

I downloaded EVP since

They use those

On the ghost hunting shows

I also got an EMF reader

After what I’ve

Experienced in my life

I don’t feel like any activity

Will scare me

So I’m ready to go

Patrika Williamson

Managing

Practiced guitar

Did laundry

And even talked to my brother

I can’t say this day was a waste

But I don’t know why I talk more

To the voices than I do

To my family

I spend most of my time

In my room

And it’s not good for me

It’s not as if I do their bidding

Or something

It’s more casual

I somehow have become more comfortable

Speaking with them

I don’t get nervous or scared

They talk like regular people

It’s not a constant argument

Or conflict

I know this isn’t good but I don’t

Have friends

Just my relatives

I’ve never felt comfortable talking

To other people

And then they came along

And I thought they were

Well I don’t know how to

Explain it

But looking at it from

A point of a person who

Has friends and a life

It probably sounds

Like I’m out of my mind

But I’m not

I have normal problems

Like everyone else

And still can function

And take care of myself

Suffering from this

The hardest part is not

Being able to feel calm or sit

But with meds I can

And with meds I’m not depressed either

It’s just a matter of keeping myself busy

And not feeling down about things

When you struggle

With hearing voices

All you can do is learn to manage

Patrika Williamson

New Meds New Day

I finished at the top of my class

I typed 42 wpm today after errors

It was nice

Our instructor played graduation music

And we each got a certificate

I made it to the end

Now what

I removed my mouth jewelry

After an urging from my cousin

She said it may help me

I guess I looked too hard with the rings

So now it’s a new day

I’ve got the date set

But it’s still like 2 weeks away

I don’t have any other plans in the future

Just cleaning up

I watched several episodes of Hoarders

And got inspired

Not that my room looks anything like

The people on the show

I just know that it could use a good cleaning

I don’t clean very often

I tend to be a messy person

But when I clean

I do a good job

It’s just not on a regular basis

I think my med change

Really made a difference

I’m like 5 pounds lighter

Than I was when I last weighed myself

It may not seem like a lot

But I don’t eat healthy

Yet it still looks like something has changed

So hopefully I’ll be under 200 again

Patrika Williamson

My Room

I haven’t realized that I’ve been

Isolating myself

Once my little niece comes home

From school

I go in my room and lock the door

And I don’t come out

Until she’s gone to bed

And since it’s almost summer

My room is hot

I’ll hear little Apollo

Crying for me to open the door

But I ignore him

Since my niece will still come in

And throw my stuff around

She’s even started

Emptying the litter box

On my floor

I just avoid interactions entirely

I can’t deal with too much

Without getting stressed out

I just don’t know what to do

Just her running around

Is too much for me

I don’t know why

Maybe she’s still getting

Used to her older sister being gone

There are times when she’s so calm

But now I just stay in my room

I look forward to the day

When we can all just sit

And do something fun

 

Summer seems like it’s already here

And all I can do is sit under the fan

Since we have no AC

But I’m grateful for that at least

I am working my hardest

To get the best typing score

Wednesday is my last day in class

When I take the test

Our instructor will take our best score

So we get to take six typing test

With three different writing samples

Well two tries for each so it’s six tries in all

After my class is over my question is

Where do I go from here

I’ve never found a job I could stick with

I’ve tried different paths

And nothing has ever worked out

And after trying to bounce back from

Being seriously ill

I never knew where I wanted to take my life

Learning to live with a severe mental illness

Isn’t easy no matter how strong you are

So going back to work isn’t just about finding a job

My cousin has this problem now

She doesn’t get enough to support herself

But gets ill and ends up in the hospital periodically

I don’t end up in the hospital as often

But have always been weird around strangers

I have actually worked in recent years even though

It was a bad move on my part

I forced myself to work towards the end

And narrowly avoided a hospital stay

Well for now I need to really think about

What I’d feel comfortable doing

So I don’t know if more school

Is in the cards for me

I’d love to find my true passion

And not just another nine to five

Patrika Williamson

 

 

Playing Misadventures

I recorded myself today

After finally picking up the guitar

A few hours after

Coming home from church

Which was great

I grabbed my tablet

And used the sound recorder app

To capture myself

Never opening my mouth

I recorded myself for the first time ever

Playing my first original song

It had a nice sound

But I need to work on

Changing chords smoothly

While still staying on beat

And since I can’t sing

It’s also challenging

It sucks not having a singing voice

But I can at least try to harmonize

Otherwise

I won’t ever know

What the words sound like

Only in my mind

When I think about them

But I’m glad that I finally picked up my guitar

Since well

I can’t remember the last time

But I need to practice

At least every other day

My instructor recommended 15 minutes

Every single day

However I had to cut practice short

Because I got hot

And my fingers were sweating

The last thing I wanted

Was to play with slippery fingers

Patrika Williamson

 

 

My Ups and My Downs

I was so sluggish today

I don’t know why

But I just stayed in bed all day

And barely ate

I saw my new psychiatrist

The other day

And finally got to get

My meds changed

But I’m a little uneasy since

I didn’t wean myself off of

The stuff I had been taking

He just changed what I was taking

And I had a bit of trouble sleeping

I just hope that I’ll finally not

Have a huge appetite

Or gain anymore weight

The meds that I was taking

Had weight gain

As a side effect

And I packed on so many pounds

And had trouble getting them off

But this is a new day

And a new doctor

So hopefully

Things will change

And I’ll finally lose some weight

I was planning on

Starting a new diet as well

A lot of shakes and other liquids

Hopefully once I start

I’ll be able to stick with it

And I’ve been wanting to

Go back to

The gym to hit the elliptical

Which I found burns more calories

Than the bike and treadmill

I used to have trouble staying on it

More than five minutes

But somehow I was able to

Ride it an entire hour

However my feet would fall asleep

But staying on for an hour

Is a big accomplishment for me

At this point I haven’t even been going

In quite a while

But I want to go back

Once school is over

Patrika Williamson

Practicing the Beatles

Practiced from my Beatles songbook

The other day

It was challenging

But if I can master one song

Like Hey Jude

It will be a victory

Some of the songs have chords

With like five notes

And I’m not sure how to use

All of my fingers

But the reward is sounding good

And moreover

Sounding like a pro

But for now

I just like playing around

The book I bought

Has every song

The Beatles have ever written

That would be a challenge

To be able to play everything

But their sound is something to enjoy

And it’s timeless

I also finished reading a book

About songwriting yesterday

And one of the interesting things I read

Was that when writing songs

You should record yourself playing them

In order to see if you sound right

Or need to change anything

I’d like to record myself performing

My first song

And hear how it sounds

There are a few parts I’d like to tweak

And at least check the beat

I can’t seem to play with the metronome going

But I’d also like to play with a pocket amp I bought

That hooks to your headphones

Patrika Williamson

 

 

 

Little Gifts

Like a bird on my shoulder

My kitten Apollo

Comes to be with me

Even though he has doubled

In size

Since I first got him

He still comes to me crying

And when I acknowledge him

He jumps into my arms

And purrs so that I can rub him

He loves being babied

But my other kitten Venus

Never does that

She doesn’t like to cuddle

Or come to me

And jump into my arms

She takes more to my Mother

But I like to call Apollo a Mama’s boy

Since no matter how big he gets

He still clings to me like when he was

A little baby

But when he gets to be fully grown

Like my older cat Onyx

I wonder will he still jump into my arms

By then he’d be way too heavy

And scare me

I remember when I was a little girl

My grandmother had a cat named Genesis

Who did the same thing

But it always scared me

I grew out of my fear of cats

As I got older and I wished for a kitten

And we finally got one

When I was in my teens

Unfortunately he ran away

Two years after we got him

But we got Onyx when I was

In my late teens

And we’ve had him ever since

But Apollo and Venus

Were five weeks old when I got them

I sneaked them up on the family

They were a gift to myself

I guess

And now they’re about six months old

They were so young when I got them

That they still were little bundles of puffy fur

With blue eyes

And couldn’t jump or climb

I even had to help them use the litter

Since they’d go everywhere

And they didn’t drink water

So I only fed them wet food

Mixed with water

They’ve come a long way though

Patrika Williamson

Speed Dating…Yes

I’m going to an event next month

I can’t believe I’m giving this

Another try

But I got my cousin to join me

At a speed dating event

I prefer it over internet dating

Since you get to meet people in person

And talk to them face to face

I just hope

I can get at least one match this time

I’ll cross my fingers

I’m looking forward to it

Since I haven’t been on a date in a while

It would be an excuse to go out

Something which I don’t do very often

And to be around single men

It’s hard for me

To make small talk

Or spark up a conversation

But in this environment

I feel more comfortable

And can meet more than one person

During the same night

I hope it goes right this time

Patrika Williamson

Speed Dating…Maybe

I’m thinking about trying

Speed dating once again

My cousin and I were talking

And I suggested we both

Go out to an event

I went to one time before

It was fun

But I didn’t get any matches

I sat at a table across from a guy

And after a few minutes of talking to them

They’d switch and someone else would sit

In front of me

We each took notes

And at the end chose who we thought

We would be interested in

After the event we went home

And logged on a site

Then if someone you picked also picked you

You’d get their email from the site

But I unfortunately didn’t get any matches

I met many interesting people

Some very nice

And some were guys I thought hell no about

But overall if I had been better prepared

Maybe I would have made a match

I wanted to try again

At a different event

But my cousin chickened out

So I ended up not going again

Just like last time I will offer to pay

For her ticket

But I will ask her again

Since she is doing the online dating thing

At least with speed dating

You get to meet them face to face

And talk to a potential candidate

Well in between praying for Mr. Right

I’ll try it again for fun

Patrika Williamson

Guitar Practice

I took my last guitar class today

I wish there were more

It was cool playing along with others

I just got an electric guitar today

To practice on now

It sounds really nice

For a used model

Now I feel like a rock star

I don’t know why but

It seems easier than playing the piano

Of course I need to build

Strength in my hands and fingers

If anyone is learning the guitar like me

Than check out a free app called Yousician

It has free guitar lessons

And it’s on Android

But goes by tabliture

I also tried another one called iJam

But it’s limited in exercises

I mastered the first song Wild Thing

But I haven’t gotten the hang of the next

Still waiting on the Beatles songbook

I also want to keep trying to write songs

My first is almost finished

But I’ve learned that a song

Can only have two chords

I want to tackle YouTube next

There’s gotta be millions of videos there

On guitar playing and tricks

Don’t know what to check first

Maybe how to switch chords smoothly

And how to stay on beat

I got every tool now

A chord dictionary

A metronome

A capo and a tuner

Plus a 10W amp that came with the electric guitar

I’m ready to jam now

Hopefully I have inspired you to try guitar too

Patrika Williamson

Mother’s Day

My Mother is amazing

She gave me life

And raised me to be

The woman I am today

I love her humor

And never feel alone

We can talk for hours

She cares and is always there

I can’t believe

Got blessed me

With such a wonderful mother

I’ve always felt her love

In her hugs

And she’s is always there for me

Even though my brother and I

Have grown

And he’s had children of his own

She continues

By being the best grandmother

While still being the greatest mother

And I look forward

To when I have children

So that I can be as good

Of a Mother as my Mom

Happy Mother’s Day

Patrika Williamson

Happy Hour

I did a few errands

And got in on Starbucks’

Last day of Happy Hour

I wish that it could be year-round

Like Sonic

But I loved getting

A S’more Frappuccino

It was lovely

And I always order them

Without any coffee

Since I’m not big on the taste

But I will drink Cappuccinos

That taste more like cocoa

I’m a softy

When it comes to coffee

I don’t like the taste

Since it’s not very sweet

I’ve even made my own

With just cocoa

And cappuccino mix

It’s much cheaper

Than spending five bucks

For a cup of the real thing

Plus you can make it as light

Or as fattening as you want

McD’s are OK but

They have limited flavors

I wish they could add more

To their menu

Patrika Williamson

 

Starting Over

I plan on going to prayer tomorrow

And still pondering whether

I should go to school for a semester

Or two

It might be what I need

Since there was a program I was eyeing

But I don’t know if I’m ready

To make a commitment again

I can get sensitive

When working around others

Getting Back to…

My older niece

Went back to her mother yesterday

Now the house isn’t the same

It’s time for my little niece to recover

Since she picked up her older sister’s

Bad habit of cussing

It just rubbed off

But my Mom still feels the stress

Since my little niece

Is rambunctious

But still one’s easier than two

I hope that after going back home

My older niece is able to adjust

Back to life with her mother and brother

And will follow her rules

But now I feel a little less stressed

And not taking up shelter

In my room so much

It’s just we had to get a new TV

Since she broke the one in our living room

But my mother and I will go back to enjoying

The quiet time while my niece is at school

I have plans to go back to the gym

And try to lose the extra weight

That I’ve accumulated over the years

And made me obese

It won’t be easy

But I’ve done it in the past

Although I think this is the heaviest

I’ve ever been

I want to be thin again

So bad that I just wish I could stick to something

Until I am the small person

I used to be in my 20s

Patrika Williamson

 

Guitar Therapy

I’m ready to go electric

My guitar is both

Acoustic and electric

But even after hooking it up

To the amp it came with

It left me wanting more

I’d love to play an electric guitar

I’m really starting to sound good

And literally can’t put the guitar down

It’s cool and lessens stress

Our instructor even mentioned it

During class the other day

If anyone is looking for a new hobby

Than music might be a good thing

To try next time

I don’t know if I should

Jump back into piano

But it was something

That I used to learn in high school

But I think I’ve gotten pretty good

At playing the guitar

Coming from having no prior experience

At all

I remember very little from the piano

Except what notes look like

And beats

But guitar music isn’t written the same

And relies more on chords

Unlike the piano which in the beginning

I learned how to play with one hand

It’s much different

Plus there are strumming patterns

And endless chords to remember

But I’ve memorized the basic ones

And it’s enough to play simple songs

Or make up my own

Patrika Williamson

 

 

A Visual Learner

Just being around others

Sometimes that stresses me out

My nieces don’t get along very well

And the little one is so hyper

I just stay in my room

Most of the time

I still journal though

But I’m thinking about

Trying to write more during the day

I do read Christian literature at night though

It’s really makes me think

And understand more about God

The funny thing about

Our Daily Bread

Which is a popular publication

Is that every day’s passage

Seems to relate to me somehow

Or what I’m going through

And makes the Bible

More understandable

Which is great for me

Since it was always something

That scared me away from reading it

I always had trouble with

Reading comprehension

So when I read

I have trouble understanding it

It’s amazing that I made it through school

Since it isn’t the best way for me to learn

I’m more of a follow by example person

And I like things that are hands on

But not everyone learns the same way

When it comes to me picking up things

I like learning from videos

Or books with illustrations

I even draw that way

Instead of tracing

I can actually copy everything I see

To make a perspective drawing

Patrika Williamson

Songwriting and Guitar Playing

School’s just about out

And oddly enough

It rained yesterday

A storm came out of nowhere

Over the weekend

But it cleared up this morning

And hopefully

There’ll be no more rain

For a while

But I did enjoy

Guitar class

We played Hey Jude

By the Beatles

It’s like the Beatles are a staple

For great guitar playing

And learning from as well

Their songs aren’t very complicated

I ended up buying their songbook

On Amazon

I can’t wait to get that in the mail

And start practicing on that

It was also recommended in a book

I’m reading on song writing

But it wasn’t the exact same title

Close enough though

And I’m also reading a few others

Plus studying what I can

I want to work on making up more songs

Not too complicated though

Just based on the chords I know

I’m still trying to get the hang of switching chords

But the weird thing about

When it’s something I came up with

It’s much easier

And I don’t really have trouble moving

My fingers around

Coming up with words isn’t too hard

It’s making things sound nice

And it all coming together which is challenging

But over the years I’ve seen plenty of musicians

Just coming up with a cool melody

And then the words came naturally

It doesn’t necessarily matter

What comes first

It’s just creativity I think

Patrika Williamson

Disobedience

It’s weird wondering

What will happen

If you had a loved one

Who had problems

That you couldn’t fix

My niece who is 12

Is so volatile

That she can’t get along

With her little sister

And she doesn’t care

About her behavior

She refuses to go to school

And when you try to talk to her

She starts breaking things

However she also does this

To express her feelings

She even goes through our things

And steals from us

Her mother dropped her off

On our doorstep

Several months ago

And she’s getting worse by the day

At least in the beginning

She went to school

But she’s just too young

To live by her own rules

She cusses like a sailor

Whenever we talk to her

And now her 5 year old sister

Snaps at us with curse words as well

I feel sorry for my little niece

Because she doesn’t yet understand things

And I fear one day my older niece

Will harm her and not care

She always gets angry when my

Little niece tries to play with her

And just now she threw a glass at her

I feel so powerless

If it were me I would send her away

There’s just nothing my Mother can do for her

She has been trusted with her care

My brother was just like her

Who is her father

He got worse over the years

And my Mother couldn’t take care of him either

Now he’s in prison

And can’t really step in

But if my Mom sends her away

She’ll end up in the system again

She’s been tossed back and forth

Over the years

Since her Mother didn’t want her

And she probably feels that no one loves her

My Mother is really trying her best

To take care of her

But from my stand point

I probably sound cold

I don’t mean to be firm

But what else can we do

She won’t listen to my Mom

And refuses to leave the house

Shower or go to school

She just watches TV all day

Kids shouldn’t have their way

If it means being disobedient

What will be the last straw

Patrika Williamson

Hopefully God Will Intervene

I was up so late last night

Rewriting the first song

I tried to set to guitar

I didn’t think to write the chords

Now I have to remember

How I wanted it to sound

Now that I’m not about to

Go to sleep

I made it to prayer

This morning though

And made a special request

For my brother who is facing 32 years

He was charged with assault

And facing just about

A life sentence in prison

Which is pretty hefty

Since murders and rapist

Get lighter sentences

I tried my best to help him

By getting information from lawyers

But now it’s just up to the courts

I pray for him every night

And hope that God will intervene

But it can be hard to stay positive

When I think of all the black men

In prison

And how they make up most

Of the prison population

It’s just a sad place to end up

Patrika Williamson

Life Without A Love

I was all broken up last night

During my prayer time

I couldn’t hold it in

I don’t know why I feel so strongly

About the way my life has been

I’ve never been in love

Nor have I ever had a boyfriend

And I just felt so sad

I’ve read many times

That all you need is

To have the faith of a mustard seed

And it’s enough to be blessed by God

But I feel like I can’t do it

Another thing I’ve read is that

If you believe it to be so

Than it is

That’s all it takes

But after being blessed

So many times over

I feel like it’s the last thing left

That’s been looked over

It’s just so important to me

Even though I don’t know the feeling

I don’t know what will happen

If I had someone

But I feel that

It’s lacking in my life

And that there’s no other

Substitute for it

I just cant’ get around it

And only God can help me

With what’s missing

Patrika Williamson

An Obsession

Obsessions form easily

In my head

I’ll focus on something

And can’t think

Of anything else

And it’s hard to

Calm myself down

I’ll dream of it at night

Write about it

In my journal

And never make

The situation better

I don’t know if it’s part of my illness

But just about anything

Can have me worried

And unable to do anything else

I focus on being lonely

Or feeling powerless

Not being able to change a thing

And going over it

Again and again

Nothing else will stop me

From zoning out

And practically meditating

On the same thing for hours

There are even times

When the voices think it’s too much

I have to find a way to

Calm myself down

Or else I’ll end up

Making myself miserable

Until I just fall apart

There’s no stopping

My fixations and fascinations

With the same things

Which I can’t change

It’s just so irritating

Patrika Williamson

What’s Stopping Me

I need to make a change

But only I hold the key

I want to be small again

But I’m stopping me

I’ve been an unhealthy weight

For the past few years

There was a time when I

Didn’t even like food

And didn’t eat

Because I thought I was too big

I’ve taken off weight the unhealthy way

By starving myself

And taking laxitives

But now I’m the opposite

I blame it on the meds

I feel like a pig

I eat even when I’m not hungry

And have two portions

Plus lots of junk food

It’s hard to break the habit

When food tastes so good

And in the past I’ve had times

Where food had no flavor

And didn’t even want to drink water

I miss my slim days

And being able to fit my clothes

But now that I’m getting older

And I have high blood pressure

I can get diabetes

Or develop heart disease

Eating unhealthy

And being overweight

Can be such a dangerous thing

I know that because of my weight

Losing has to be a slow and healthy thing

Or else I risk gaining it all back

Plus some

Which I have done

In recent years

But when I think about

My life being shortened

Or having other health conditions

It should be

What drives me

To want to be healthy

Patrika Williamson

What’s So Funny

I was gone all day

But finally made it home

And fed my little kitties

I hate being away from them too long

I laughed so hard today

Since I got cable

I’m now addicted to TV

I watch my set shows in the evening

And just crack jokes

In front of the voices

I know that

I’m not supposed to talk to them

But since I can’t find a drug

That will make them go away

I just don’t take things too seriously

I play with them

And instead of getting angry or depressed

I make myself laugh

It’s the only way I can escape

The fact that I hear them everyday

If I focus on the fact

That I can’t get rid of them

Then it’ll drive me crazy

No matter what I do

They don’t go away

So I just make

The most of my day

Patrika Williamson

I Never Stop Learning

I finally got a song right

Well just about

In my guitar class

We played “Hey Jude”

by The Beatles

It was nice playing

A song that I had heard of

But there’s still work to be done

The exercises I did

Took a lot of finger reaching

And my hands ached after each try

Guitar playing isn’t just about sounding cool

You have to learn the other stuff too

It’s like baby steps as they say

I dreamed again of high school

But this time it was a celebration

With lots of food

I think it was a graduation party

I wonder what is my obsession with high school

I finished years ago

But I still dream about it

Like I’m still living through

My teenage years again

I know that they say

It symbolizes learning new things

But I feel like there’s something

I’m longing for

I don’t know if it’s a popularity or what

I was never popular but got

Really good grades

And finished in the top ten

Of my class

But looking back it’s not that big

Of a deal

The fact was I made it through

We all have parts of our lives

That we wish we could redo

And since then I’ve had many moments

In my life that I wished

I didn’t have to go through

Like getting sick

Or becoming chemically dependent on meds

But I’d rather this than being committed again

Patrika Williamson

Getting to Church

I magically got up early

Like I did yesterday

It’s nice not to need an alarm

So I got to go to church

Earlier this time

And it was different

My church is more crowded

At the ten o’clock service

And I was back home

By lunchtime

I felt like yesterday

God wanted me to make it to prayer

Since I’m always too sleepy

On Saturday to get up

And make it to the nine o’clock program

I hated that I missed it

Last week since the main pastor and founder

From the main campus

Came and led the prayer

But I made it yesterday

And gave my praise and petition

Sometimes I notice I’m more thorough

Than other times

But I didn’t get emotional

And start to cry

One interesting thing

That was mentioned

During service today

Was that when we do the usual

Introductions before the message

That we could end up meeting

Our future partner

I usually feel a little uncomfortable

When we do this during the service

Usually they’ll say turn to your neighbor

And they’ll tell us what to say

But since I’m bad at talking to people I don’t know

I’m kind of nervous

But it’s not in my mind that I could be

Speaking to a future suitor

It would be nice though

I wish I could meet him at church

Since I like going and we could go together

Each Sunday

If it’s meant to be it will happen

Patrika Williamson

From Writing to Music

As it gets warmer

I’m not looking forward to another

Super hot summer

But I am going to try

To bury myself in guitar

I got a Beatles song book

And hoping to be able to play

Songs during the day

I just got the hang of changing chords

And my little kitties sleep on the floor

I try to keep on the fan

But only my senior cat

Sleeps in my bed almost all day

With the fan blowing his way

Other then playing the guitar

I don’t really have plans

I seem to have given up on writing fiction

I still do daily journal entries though

But nothing is grabbing me

To make me want to work on a novel

I no longer have the drive

But I feel more comfortable now

Playing an instrument

Patrika Williamson

 

Too Close To Reality

It was weird last night

I thought the other day

It would be nice

To have a dream of my future

But instead I dreamed of a wedding

For someone else

An older couple

Who wanted to make it official

It didn’t really relate to me

Because I’m not with anybody

At the moment

But last night I dreamed of

Something that I discussed with my Mom

That same night

I guess I was imagining things as they would be

But it didn’t go off with a hitch

It was about my oldest niece who is twelve

And how she has behavioral problems

She is very destructive

And throws tantrums

I came home and she wasn’t sitting on the couch

As she normally does

I thought my Mom

Had sent her back home to her birth mother

But things didn’t go as planned

Since my niece came back to get her clothes

But she just came back and broke up everything

As weird as it sounded

It could have really happened

She’s too dangerous around the house

And many of my dreams lately

Had the meaning that I felt powerless

Which is true since I have no say

And stay in my room most of the time

In this case I hope in reality

Things don’t play out that way

Her damaging ways are very costly

And could get worse by the day

Patrika Williamson

 

 

Coping with Comedy

I love to make jokes

Unfortunately

I mostly share them with the voices

I know that I shouldn’t spend my time

Talking to them but it’s an outlet

I just love to laugh

And don’t always feel comfortable doing it

Around my family

They can be funny

But unfortunately

I tend to isolate myself

Since I’m usually in my room

When I’m at home

I get out of being a clown

Or at least watching a comedy

On TV

It’s very therapeutic to me

But I don’t always isolate myself

I only do it when I feel uncomfortable

Living with my family is sometimes hard for me

We don’t always get along

And rather than trying

I tend to just remove myself

Because I know I’m not very social

I tend to make things worse

And get really emotional as well

But I’m thankful that I still have my Mother

In my life

Patrika Williamson

A Cool Dream Meaning

After having a dream

About the rapture

I feel like it would be hard to top

It was just amazing to see

No matter how it came to me

But last night I was framed

For a crime

And had to figure out how to

Get myself out of trouble

It’s a bit sketchy

But I think a robot knew the truth

Well it was a bit strange

And I couldn’t really figure out what it meant

But after looking it up

It was actually positive

I may get a windfall

I’m crossing my fingers for that

I really look forward to a dream about my future

I haven’t yet dreamed of it but

I’d like to see my future in a dream

Most of the time

It is about something

That I have become fixated on in my life

Whether it’s an obsession with having control

Or just getting more educated

I tend to have reoccurring scenes in my sleep

Patrika Williamson

 

 

 

Dreaming of the End

I had a very moving dream

Last night I dreamed that

I was with my Mom

We were sitting outside at night

A man came up to me who knew me

And asked me to come with him

I said no and kept resisting

He pulled me so hard and practically

Pulled of my shirt

But out of no where I stared at the sky

And I saw a shooting star go by

And then I saw an explosion of lights

And colors

And it was so mesmerizing

That I couldn’t look away

The sky was lit up

Even more than fireworks

It was like the stars were changing colors

And then a light came

And I saw a large image on the screen

It was a reporter standing next to a man

And she was announcing it was the second coming

I felt funny since I knew it was the end

And I had never got to do all I wanted on Earth

I looked at my Mom

And felt really scared

Like I wouldn’t get to go to heaven

But I felt hands hoisting me up

And I was overcome with joy

I yelled “God, I love you”

And looked around to see if my Mom

Was coming up with me

But before I could I woke up

It made me realize how much I love God

The oddest thing happened once I was awake

The voices told me that it was them

Who gave me that dream

They were the ones that hoisted me up

They tried to ruin a good thing

I didn’t let it get to me though

I just kept thinking about when the time comes

I’ll be going to the best place

Patrika Williamson

Changing Chords

Now that spring break is over

I returned back to school and realized

I like to learn at my own pace

But it was nice being in class

But I struggled to strum along

With my guitar class

I have trouble changing chords

But I’ve actually grasped more

From buying DVDs on eBay

The most recent one I bought

Showed me a new way to strum

One string

Then the rest

And my playing sounds totally different

I still like playing around

And found out from my instructor

That some of the best songs have only two chords

That’s cool for me since

I haven’t advanced to playing

A lot of quick changing chords

I’ve made up a few harmonies

Doing just that

On the fret board

I don’t know why

But as easy as it is for me to write things

I get intimidated when writing lyrics

I just play what sounds good to me

I have yet to write a complete songs

Hopefully one day

Patrika Williamson

Matchmaking

I was watching Married at First Sight

Last night

And thought about how I wish

I could get married

But in the case of the show

The participants got married to

People they had been set up with

It was an arranged marriage

Where you didn’t meet your partner until

It was time to get married

There were so many volunteers

To become potential matches

But as time went by

The 3 couples that were chosen

Didn’t get along

As much as a person would like

To be married

To someone they love

It was just two strangers being thrown together

Without knowing anything about each other

Not even their names

And I dreamed last night

That I was on this show

But my Mother disproved of

Who I was going to marry

And on top of that

He was all wrong

Because he was abusive

In the past

I have been so desperate to find the right guy

That I searched online

And even wanted to try a matchmaker

Even though it was expensive

But in reality picking men from a profile and pic

Isn’t the best way to find the right person

People lie all the time

And have ulterior motives

If I can be patient enough

And trust in God

Then he will find me the right man

God never has bad intentions

Patrika Williamson

 

Is It Impossible

I had a flashback

Of the It’s Impossible speech

I don’t know why

Today I saw a cute guy

As I got out of my car

At the grocery store

The voices said speak up

But I couldn’t

Maybe that’s why I just got a flash

Of the impossible speech

That they gave to me

A few months ago

That made me feel so low

And also made me feel discouraged

About ever meeting another soul

I don’t talk very much

Let alone initiate conversations

With people I don’t know

I find it hard to meet guys

No matter how much I might

Think they’re my type

I don’t know how this thing works

Do I tap them on the shoulder

And say hi

Or maybe try to come up to them

And make an introduction

I don’t know what to do

And it’s no wonder I’ve never

Been very popular

Out and about

Getting dates no doubt

I’m used to the wrong guys

Flirting with me

And I’m not desperate enough

To just date anybody

I hope if the time does come

The right guy will be brave enough

To get my attention if he hasn’t already

And say something

To spark up a conversation

Patrika Williamson

A Dream Out Of Reach

Have you ever wanted something so bad

That you couldn’t stand it

I don’t know what to do with myself

I can’t even wait for it

I feel so powerless

No matter what I try

It doesn’t help

And I can’t stop thinking about it either

My life is lacking

And my heart is so empty

I don’t know how to stop this

All I’ve ever wanted was happiness

And I can’t ignore it

Nor can I live without it

My face shows it

I keep feeling like

God has turned his back on me

Or I’m just not ready

For what I can’t stop praying for

Who wants to die unhappy and alone

My fixation on one goal

Is so hard to let go

I am not trying to take advantage

Of God’s goodness

Or test his powers which are boundless

I’m just one of his children

In search of another loving person

Who I can love

And who will love me

I won’t give up hope

Since it’s what I know I’m lacking

In my life

And there’s nothing else

That can replace

TheĀ  feeling of true happiness

I think about it everyday

And can’t forget for a second

That I feel alone

Without a partner to

Laugh at my jokes

And finish my sentences

Plus all the other wonderful things

That come with being

With the man of my dreams

Patrika Williamson

I Wish I Was

My little kittie Apollo

Cries for me

I feel like his Mommy

I pick him up

Like he’s saying hold me

Apollo is so close to me

Even though he is a kitty

I wish I had my own babies

To be married

To be in love

To have a nice life

All my own

And to not have to wait so long

For the moment for it to be so

That the life I dream of

The life I wish I had

Was no longer

Something that I dreamed of

That it were real

That it was my reality

And not just something I prayed for

Or thought was totally

Out of reach

I can’t get this life

That I wish for out of my head

It’s not just something

That’s only seen in movies

Or in a dream

Something

That so many others have

And didn’t have to beg for

During a moment of prayer

Just something that happened

Without really thinking about it

But for me

I don’t know what happened

Years went by

And it never came true for me

Nothing even came close to it

But it is my hope

That it will happen

Before I reach 103

Patrika Williamson

 

God Forgives

After attending Easter service

I feel great

Because God forgave me

I didn’t know God forgives and forgets

Us of our sins

I thought that every time

I committed a sin

God would always remember

And throw it back at me again

But he doesn’t

Something that I find difficult to do

As a human

Is that I have trouble forgiving

And forgetting

Things that others have done to me

I know I’m not perfect

But I really wish I could be

A forgiving person

Since it would would make me

A better person

But the good news

Is God still loves me anyway

There’s nothing I can do

That will change that

And I have to remember

Jesus died for our sins

It was the price that was paid

For God to forgive all of us

So whenever you feel

That you’re alone in this world

Just remember that

God loves you

And will never leave you alone

Patrika Williamson

Fireworks

I was in high school yet again

In my dreams last night

I was trying to enroll in school

For my senior year

And I kept wondering

If I could get in since I already

Had my diploma

It was also my birthday

And my Mom set off a whole

Fireworks display

With my name

In the night sky

I didn’t understand why

I was getting such attention

But in real life

I finished high school

Long ago

So it meant

I wanted to get better at something

Right now it’s typing

And playing an instrument

As for the fireworks

For my birthday

I think I’m looking forward to

Something great and spectacular

Maybe a prayer being answered

That I had given up hope on

I don’t know yet

Since it’s not actually my birthday

Patrika Williamson

 

Real Success

In my dream last night

I learned about a business

Selling cosmetic products

The highlight of the merchandise

Was a brush shaped like a foot

That was electric

And I guess it massaged as it cleaned

I was psyched to start

And even had ideas how to sell it

I dreamed that it would make me

Lots of money

In my waking life

I wish I could find a great opportunity

Always looking for a way

To become financially successful

And not have to work

The typical 9 to 5

I just never fit in the mold

I don’t know why

But I admire those who can

And do

I’ve been this way ever since I was a child

But never have been the success

That I dreamed I would be

Over the years

I have been hard on myself

Wondering why I didn’t make more

Or not in a high position

But if I look at the way my life is

I’m not starving

Not homeless

Not in any type of distress

And I think I have come pretty far

I feel that I have become a success

I can’t measure success with numbers or status

But with my accomplishments

My strengths and abilities

There are so many things

That I can do

That I didn’t learn in school

And I’ve been able survive mental illness

I’ve kept myself out of the hospital for years

I’ve come so far from

Not being able to function

And I’m proud of myself for it

Patrika Williamson

Little Kittens

Man my cats have gotten so big

Apollo seems to be the ring leader

He’ll eat anything

He likes bready things

Like buns and donuts

He’ll eat through the bag

To get whatever’s in it

Including cat food

I’m surprised he isn’t fat

I have to lock them in my room

With me

Or else

They’d eat

Everything in the kitchen at night

I can’t have them going through the trash

And rummaging through bags

I don’t catch Venus doing it as much

But sometimes when I come home

Their bag of cat food

Will have huge holes in it

And be on the floor

Then when it’s time to feed them

They won’t be hungry

I guess I wasn’t quick enough

To serve them

I try to feed them enough

During meal time

But they sometimes fight over food

And they go crazy for the wet food too

So I like to give them the grilled kind

Instead of the pate

Since it looks like chopped liver

But they used to eat only that in the beginning

They go crazy for treats too

But sometimes get picky

It isn’t always easy

Keeping up with their appetite

But I always try to feed them on time

But sometimes I’m gone from home too long

And have to feed them late

They don’t turn it down though

I just wished they didn’t chew through everything

Patrika Williamson

Just a Dream

I had a scary dream last night

I saw a man kill his child

It was violent

And there was blood

I tried to scream

In my dream

But nothing came out

I was so scared

And he saw me

He followed me

Because I was a witness

And then he threatened me

With a rock

He tried to hit me in the head with it

I woke up shaking

The voices were there

When I woke up

They thought my reaction was weird

I guess I recovered too quickly

The meaning was

That I feel helpless

In another dream

I was walking to Mexico

I’ve had other dreams

Of walking back and forth over the border

I just happen to live nearby

And I think I was just thinking about

Slow progress since

I knew that once I was done walking

I would reach my destination

Patrika Williamson

Grateful

Found my notebook

It somehow got under my bed

I am grateful

Lots of interesting stuff

And I am now typing them up

My typing skill are coming in handy

I was watching a show about hoarders

But after seeing the hoarders’ stories’

I’ve realized that I’m not as bad as the people on TV

It’s just I’m not very neat

I don’t like to clean

But every now and then I do

I didn’t pick up the guitar today

I just never got around to it

I’m still feeling great

From finding my notebook

Won at Bingo in my parenting class again

Every time I win

I get an extra Walmart gift card

Today was a good day for me

As for my dreams

I was babysitting

And the child I babysat

Took meds

But I could never get the dosage right

And when her mother came home

The next day

She paid me in odd bills

First a one

But then threes and sevens

I kept asking her to give me real cash

Since money doesn’t come in those denominations

But money means power

And the numbers meant beginnings

I’m hoping there will be a new chapter in my life

So I’ll keep my eyes peeled

Patrika Williamson

Writing and Playing

I played on my guitar

For hours today

Trying to make up something

That sounded right

It’s not as easy as I thought

But I tried to learn

Some new chords

Strum a different way

And everything

I really envy

People who can consistently

Turn out catchy and addictive tunes

Since I’m just playing around

I don’t know what produces

The right sound

I wrote a practice song

Last night

Not really anything serious

But I couldn’t get past

The first lyric

I tried a few chords

But nothing stuck

I’m too scared to hum

The words

Since I can’t sing

And don’t know

If it would sound right

But I think

I’ll try that tomorrow

One of the voices

Suggested the G chord

Since he played the guitar before

It had a nice sound

If I do ever find my

Notebook of poems

I will type them up

And save them on

A thumb drive

As well as my hard drive

Since I lost a story

I was working on

From a thumb drive

That broke

After talking to my cousin today

She encouraged me to write a story

About my experience

With being schizophrenic

Oddly enough

The story I lost

Was about a woman

Who heard voices

But I got halfway through a course

On novel writing since then

And have a better understanding

About writing than

I did before

So I keep myself busy

Patrika Williamson

Frustrating

I can’t find one of my notebooks

For some strange reason

I tend to be a hoarder

One of those people

Who doesn’t clean

And collects stuff

I’ve never been much

Of a housekeeper

I had a notebook of poetry

That I wrote a while ago

But I haven’t written in it in a while

And now that I’m looking for

Something to get inspiration

For song lyrics

And I can’t find it anywhere

I remember a long time ago

Thinking I needed to keep notes

On where I put everything

In case I can’t remember

When I need to locate it

But now I find myself forgetting passwords

I tried looking everywhere

And found all kinds of other notebooks

Journals and novel drafts

But no poetry

Darn there had to be at least twenty

I can start over but I remember

Jotting down some good stuff

I can sit down

When it’s quiet

And look somewhere else

But I don’t know where else to look

I got a cool composition book

From my parenting class

With lines on half the page

And a big box up top for drawings

I could write lyrics at the bottom

And jot down chords up top

I guess

I saw a cool stamp on eBay

That is a grid for chords

Now I’m wondering if I should get it

Well anyway

Just wanted to let out how

Frustrated I am losing stuff

And hoarding my things

Patrika Williamson

Guitar Playing

I performed live today

With my guitar class

We performed a song

That we had practiced

I did the best I could

I wasn’t very nervous

Since I was in a group

I’m glad that it’s over

I’ve noticed that after playing

A whole song

My left hand is so sore

But I am still trying to learn chords

And wanting to compose

An entire song

As much as I like to write

Nothing comes to mind

Just melodies for now

I remember writing

Songs as a child

Including a cool dance song

But it’s been so long

That I don’t remember the words

But writing poetry is similar

To writing song lyrics

I remember watching the movie

The Doors with Val Kilmer

And how Jim Morrison wrote poetry

I don’t write about things too far out

But maybe I can go back

And look over old poems

To see if I can turn them into songs

But my challenge isn’t just

Finding the right chords

I can’t sing so I don’t know what notes I need

To play to make it sound a certain way

I don’t know why I want to make up my own songs

I guess because I’m creative

And love to make up

Stories and poetry

But I am reading up

On songwriting

And there are different approaches

From writing a lyric

To just playing around with a melody

But I don’t know where to start

Well I’ve got spring break

To play around with my guitar

Patrika Williamson